I have some stuff that I often think about at 3AM, when I should be sleeping but Hey, why do that? He's just going to be up in an hour or so anyway. Let me sit and stew. It's strange how at that time of night you are most honest with yourself and your own thoughts. Here are the latest ones bopping around my brain. Or the ones that I can remember before I drifted off only to be woken up again by the Kiddo ten minutes later.
I don't care what causes autism. I don't. I really want folks to stop asking my opinion on this. My kiddo is my kiddo. How I am suppose to accept him for who he is while thinking at the same time "If only I had done this..." Even if you showed me hardcore scientific evidence that this "something" caused it, I don't care. What am I suppose to do? Hop in a DeLorean and go 88 miles an hour to my past and stop the autism from happening? It is what it is so I'm happy to move on. I wish others around me would too.
One and I am done. No, I won't be having anymore kids. The kiddo is turning 9 next week. We finally have a streak of no potty accidents. You think I want to go back to diapers? That's just my flip token answer but in all seriousness, stop asking me this. From the moment you deliver your baby some smart ass has to ask you will you are still in the hospital "So when's the next one?" Be lucky I was medicated jackass. I wanted to slap you. A parent knows when they are done. It's not like I just forgot to have more kids. Whoops! Slipped my mind! I rocked a pretty good case of postpartum depression. Just when I was finally pulling myself out of that, autism popped up. I knew where I had to focus. It's a choice that worked for me. You remembered to have extra kids? Good for you. You must of jotted down a reminder on a Post It. So ya think maybe by the time I hit 50, folks might stop asking?
I love writing the blog but I always struggle with what I will share. I want to respect my kiddo's privacy. He didn't ask me to write about him. Hence the no names and rare pictures. Although I do slip up from time to time. I bet you all go "oh so that's his name!!!" and feel all cool and stuff. Some of you have probably started to figure out who I am on Facebook too. Yep, I'm in some Autism Parents groups. Betcha didn't know did ya? Or you did? I'm there with you. Talking, listening and sharing. I like it too. I feel like a secret agent when I don't tell folks. 007 Licenced to Stim. I'd love to be all "I am Spartacus or Mama Fry." in them but I like walking away from it too. Sometimes I get really uncomfortable with being asked questions about what to do. I'm not an expert. I'm a hot mess in unwashed yoga pants who is desperately counting down the hours till I can take my bra off. Really, you want to trust my opinion? I only know what worked for us.
I really wrestle with that whole "God doesn't give you more than you can handle" cliche. God shouldn't of trusted me with that so much. I couldn't even remember to have more kids. How am I to be trusted with a child with special needs? I have no patience and cuss like a sailor on shore leave. Sarcasm is my answer to everything and yet I'm handed a kid that I am told won't understand it. (I call bullshit on that one. He totally does. Autism Myth Buster right there.) I stick up for other Autism parents when they are being judged and then I am judged for it too. God, us Autism parents are getting the shaft sometimes. Help a girl out and let me win a PowerBall lottery or something. I don't want pity. I want a nap.
I don't have a crystal ball but I have to say some of the stuff my kiddo has managed to do have been awesome surprises. We still have work but he's done more than I ever thought he could. I love it when he proves me wrong. I love it when he proves the jackass early intervention therapists wrong that worked with him and gave me ZIP hope that he'd do anything. I often want to call them up and say "Can't communicate?" and put him on the phone when he's singing then get back on and say "How ya like dem apples?" Perhaps they said that to light a fire under my ass but honestly I don't think that's the case. I think they were just bitches.
So there ya have it. The inner workings of my brain at an ungodly hour. Bet you expected more fries.
Honestly, this is how my brain works in the wee hours too. I have friends with kids they suspect in the spectrum and try to help them sort out the "is it?" Or "isn't it?" Questions before they call a doctor. I try to prepare them to be given no hope and have to dissect their kids like frogs on a table before the whole world and a team of medical experts, but sometimes I wanna say "look! Maybe they're just weird!"
ReplyDeleteI wanna slap those who act like I'm an expert, but judge me for cussing and more so for when my kids cuss (ain't echolalia fun?!) and all I can say is "at least he can say -insert expletive here-"
I wish I could take my kids on tour and drop them off at every house we've ever been judged at without a manual for a week and go "welcome to autism" and take a vacation.
Honestly, it doesn't work like that and it sucks. I don't care what cases it, I don't care that my husband is the only "typical" person in the family. I'm glad for what I have, but seriously, what was god thinking?! None of us are more than a hot mess sifting through mixed clean/dirty clothes yelling "hands off your junk!" While we struggle to get a kid to stop stimming or playing power rangers long enough to go grocery shopping for half of what we actually plan to buy.
It doesn't matter if you got a Little Fry, Captain Flappy, or any other soldier of the spectrum, this is life.
Time for everyone to learn its not easy, but we really wouldn't change it for anything.
I love your blog. I love hearing about your family. But mostly, I love that we can relate without having to shed anonymity. :)
Keep it up, momma. And rock the unwashed yoga pants. (We have awesome uniforms in the Autism Mom world! Lol!)
P.S. more kids is overrated. I stopped at 2 for a reason. One was enough.... 2 is challenge mode. Anything more than that and I question someone's sanity. Lol.
ReplyDeleteI have 3 and I'm definitely not sane. Third is a wonderful little goober blessing, but totally an oops. But you're right. No sanity in my house anymore! :-P
DeleteThank you for writing that! I feel the same way but not with my son's therapists...we had to switch schools because his teachers and "support" team were CRAP! Pretty much just thought that he was naughty (my son's high functioning, so just looking at him you wouldn't really know for sure). We have actually ran into some of the "old" teachers(we do still live in the same town, bound to happen) and they have asked about how he was doing...my husband's response was "great! he's actually getting an education, no thanks to you" LOL wish I was there to see her face! WOW! We are too sarcastic people who do cuss a bit too much some times...so reading this was quite refreshing for me just knowing WE are not the only ones! Rock on with that kiddo of yours!!
ReplyDeleteI love the fact that you just put it all out there. I also love that I am not the only one squandering my precious sleep time with my mind wandering all over the place. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteyou took what was in my brain put it into words.... you are awesome like that!!!! and my son is 13 and we still get asked that or th next best on.. do you ever regret not having more?? get ready for that one!
ReplyDeleteThanks for this. I can really relate to how you are feeling. I am not so resolute about us having more kids but either way I hope my decision is respected. So yeah I get what you mean. I am a christian and I can't stand when people tell me God wouldn't give me more than I can handle. I want to ask them, Really? Is that all you have to offer me? As far as sharing on your blog, I get it. I struggle as well. We do not use Angel's real name although we do use his real pics. It is still a fine line. I want to bring people in and share but then I don't want to leave my family vulnerable. Thanks for this post. It really hit home.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I agree with every single word. Thanks for writing it!
ReplyDeleteMan, you hit on, like, 5 touchy topics in one post...boo-yah! We're not having any more kids either, I don't know jack shit more than what works for us, and OHMYGOD, can I just get a freakin' nap?
ReplyDeleteI think we have the same 3am brain.
ReplyDeleteI'd love a nap too. We need a traveling caravan of autism parents who get it who will just swoop in for an hour so we can sleep.
Tonight at 3am, I'll be thinking of that.
thanks for writing all this!
YES YES YES! I totally get this!
ReplyDeleteLove this post...and I'm going to take a nap or I won't survive the afternoon when I go pick up my three kids, age 23 to 9. What few people will tell you or admit to is that, love them so deeply you feel it's ingrained into your wrinkles, grown-up autism and pre-teen autism are a lot of work and a lot of energy required, and coffee alone isn't enough.
ReplyDeleteJesus, it's like you were in bed with me last night or something! LOL!
ReplyDeletesome good stuff in this post Spartacus.
ReplyDeleteI love this. Had my first child been special needs i would have been done too. Unfortunately i didn't find out that kid no. 2 had autism until after kid no. 3 came along, who also has autism. 2 special needs kids is rough!!!
ReplyDeleteLove this...LOVE this. You have a new follower based on this post alone. I too don't give a shit about what causes autism at the moment, but I care deeply about finding the best educational approaches to reveal his intelligence in a world of bubble tests and #2 pencils (which, by the way, are decidedly not the best tools for my son). Oh, and don't believe the BS about not getting sarcasm/irony. There are times my son has to ask (Mommy, are you just kidding?), but the older he gets the more he "gets" (Mommy, I know you're just kidding!).
ReplyDeleteI could care less about what causes autism as I'm at peace with the fact that this is our life. I do find different articles to be interesting in passing. But on days when I'm wiping poop off of walls, carpets, dishes, children...it really doesn't factor into the equation. I have two children...no more please. You know what ticks me off more though? When someone finds out that I have two children with Autism they ask me why I had a second. I like to take pictures of my children and show them off..I like to talk about them. I like to talk about things in my life but I don't have any family to share it with. But privacy is something I have to really think about more seriously. And also...God and I have to have a one on one about this whole "He only gives us what we can handle" shit because my plate is pretty farking full tyvm. Great post darlin!
ReplyDeleteI love my kids, but some days, I just don't want to be an Autism parent... I just want me to be me... and I have to find her again, somewhere over the rainbow, and under the laundry and dishes, behind the homework and meltdowns... oh, there I am, hiding.
ReplyDeleteI love this post. I just have to say, we are brave...woman i mean. It does not matter how many kids you have it is a personal choice you make. One, two, three, four, nineteen( that is obession...lol), you don't judge or make someone feel bad just because they only have one kid. I totally get it. I do have kids, four, two are on the spectrum. I can say that the two on the spectrum are 17 months apart and are the oldest. People ask me why did we have more? I can honestly answer with this: I wanted a large family and so did my husband, when the diagnosis finally came on the boys i had already just give birth to our third son, so really no looking back or putting him back in. I can say my husband and i did not have more kids to have the perfect child, because no kid is perfect and second, these where our choices. Will i get grandkids? Maybe, that is the kids choice not mine. I also get asked if i am angry that two of my kids have Autism? yep because i am human, and i got over it along time ago. Guilt, yep have it to but i don't let it run my life or my kids. Being us is hard but I would not have it any other way. I would not have my boys be anything other than who they are, and that is what they are meant to be....besides grandkids means i am old, so let's not go there.
ReplyDeleteHa! we should start a group for the non sleeping, being caregivers we walk on water almost. You sum up so much, as well as thank goodness we are not alone and i also thank the fact we have blogging with out it we our heads would bust and journal on paper takes so much time i like this better and it has spell checking.even though i don't use it most of time lol
ReplyDeleteWow....eerily familiar! :-) The only differences are I can't write worth shit, and my guy is now 11. So nice to find something relevant out there. I guess I'm to the point where if you can't help me raise money for social skills camp and the other astronomical costs of therapy and care, teach your own kid tolerance for those whose brains work differently than your own, or give me 15 min of peace, than just let me vent, and don't take it as I don't adore my son.
ReplyDeleteAs an adult on the spectrum, I can tell you sarcasm and puns are about the only humor I find funny.. I might not always understand something is meant as sarcasm, but that doesn't mean I never do. When taught by a parent who uses sarcasm a lot you are way more likely to understand sarcasm. I say keep on what you are doing, Little Fry has a great mommy who loves him and for that matter loves him for who HE IS.. that makes you a big step above some parents of kids on the spectrum :)
ReplyDeleteAlso: By some parents, I meant those on Autism Speaks who contemplate murder/suicide rather than to realize their kid is awesome and should be helped to deal with a world that isn't exactly accommodating for him/her. Or those of us who aren't diagnosed until adulthood.. might have been raised by people who decided we were just badly behaved and beat us for being bratty weirdos..
ReplyDelete007 Licensed to Stim. LOL. Sounds like there are quite a few of us in the 3:00 A.M club. I have 2 kids with special needs, so I can identify with many(ok, all) of the things in your post. Love your blog. Looking forward to your next post.
ReplyDeletePffft, God only gives you what you can handle. I knew I could handle one baby when I found myself pregnant in not the most stable relationship. Then I found out at 20 weeks along it was twins, then, I deliver my twins on the day I turned 26 weeks! We survive all that, to find out after much ado, that one twin has AUTISM. I too swear like a truck driver, and use sarcasm to deal with stress (I agree with the calling BS on autistic kiddos not "getting" sarcasm, my thirteen year old autistic daughter has a very good grip on sarcasm, and makes some hilarious comments. Recently she likes "air quotes" and uses them "appropriately".) Rock on Mama Fry, I'm glad to know you're lurking around facebook groups, and your insight and humor keep me going some rough days.
ReplyDelete"God doesn't give you more than you can handle" is a stupid lie, and not something you'd find in the Bible. People who throw that at you when you're going through something hard don't know what it's like to go through something truly hard, or they aren't really willing to talk about and accept the truth that life just really stinks sometimes, because it might rock their faith a little too much for their own comfort. Probably they mean well, but they don't get it. Bible is pretty clear we don't lean on our own understanding or strength, because it's not enough. I prefer, "God doesn't give us more than He can handle." Two things autism has taught me for sure; I'm not in control and I don't "got this". But I've seen God work some healing miracles in my kiddo that doctors didn't expect and haven't seen before. Kiddo still has autism, but maybe he won't be mentally disabled on top of it now. Time will tell. So we carry on. I try to do my part to fill out paperwork, follow progress closely, play habilitator when needed, advocate for my child's needs, and get him all the resources available. I throw the net wide and try to pray, read my Bible, and have peace; while I wait for God to bring in the big fish that will get the job done. God does not disappoint and he has been faithful, despite my doubts, fears, and fails.
ReplyDeleteI sometimes feel you are me in some parallel universe...no words... Just thanks for writing my heart out.
ReplyDelete