I'm mad as Hell

And I'm not even given the choice if I want to take it anymore.

No one talks about the anger that comes with autism.  I've seen a thousand blogs about mourning and grieving for the child you thought you had but SURPRISE don't.  I've seen a thousand more about dealing with your depression because of the constant stress that caregivers are under.  Then there are all the fuzzy feel good autism stories of the moment.  You've seen them.  They come in viral waves through your newsfeed of some kid with special needs doing something amazing or people being supportive.  They usually hit a peek and then we wait till the next "Gee, ain't autism swell" story.

No one talks about being pissed off though.  Well, I'm sure they do.  It's just that those stories don't get the Huff Post or UpWorthy love do they? I'm not going to lie.  There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think at some point "Fuck this!".  This autism stuff.  It makes me mad.

I'm pissed off my kiddo is constantly wrapped up in anxiety.  Even about stuff he looks forward to doing.  He is so easily overwhelmed and consumed by his fears.  I hate that this is part of his life.  I hate he can't always communicate his anxiety.  I just have to guess a lot and then store it in the "things that may set him off" file in my brain. That file grows bigger by the day and yes, this makes me angry as Hell. Let's not forget the compulsion that makes him completely unaware of his surroundings at times because of his fixation of the moment putting his own safety at risk.  I am seethe with rage over that too.

I am full of rage at every school shooting because now Aspergers/Autism is immediately the first thing that media brings up.  Without even researching if shooter did have ASD and more importantly, had other co morbid conditions and issues going on.  Even if it happened once, please stop linking violence to autism.  Maybe it's because these shooters have all been males and I have son that I am extra weary of this.  I just look at my kiddo thinking how he already has an uphill battle of proving himself to the world.  He doesn't need to be feared.  In fact, he's much more likely to be a victim of violence and or bullying.   Another fact that feeds my anger.  It's not an issue of if this happens but when.  That's how high those odds are in this case.

And since I'm on a roll, how about every celebrity (and that term can be used loosely for most.  Looking at you reality TV players)  that has autism in their lives not feel the huge need to write a book about autism.  Can we all decide that they do not need to be propped up on pedestal  and be deemed autism gurus?  Cause all their books do is piss off an already divided community. Like a lot.  Those stories then become the latest autism hubbaloo that fill up a social media newsfeed and frankly they are big fat wastes of time.  I'm not saying they don't have a right to share or use their platform but for fuck sake, please realize that we average Joe moms don't need yet another story on how you overcame autism. There is no end game in autism.  It doesn't end for us simply because we got to the last page.  Maybe that's why I prefer blogs.  The story is never over and ever changing.

Mostly though, I'm mad at myself.  I get consumed with my anger towards myself and my choices.  I hate that I have so much second guessing going on. I hate that my husband is always exhausted and freaking out about being the sole bread winner in this house.  I get mad at myself for needing to be reminded that my kiddo is awesome and has come so far.  I get even madder though when I think about how much more there is ahead to tackle.  Being this mad and full of anger all the time is effing exhausting and I'm already sleep deprived.  (Yeah autism, what's with this whole sleep is optional thing cause damn that really pisses me off too.)
   
I think I need a time out.  Off to hide under my covers with a book or until the kiddo decides I am done reading said book.