I don't care what caused my kid to have autism. Not one bit. (Cue the dramatic music and GASP!)
I don't give one flying fig why my kiddo is autistic. It's just is what it is. I don't need someone or thing to blame. I don't need "closure". I may need a nap but I don't need to know the kit and caboodle and all that autistic jazz. To paraphrase Bob Seger here, I have "turned the page".
Why this self centered attitude? Simple, it's survival. I have a lot of shit to do and I"m going to leave science to science. None of those researchers every come here and start a load of laundry and empty the dishwasher. So I'll let them do their jobs and use Google for researching new Crock Pot recipes as therapies for the kiddo are always around the dinner hour. (Oh this chicken recipe has bacon in it. It's got to be a winner!)
What about the other future families you may wonder? Yes, I get what you are saying. I have known a few families now that have become members of Club Spectrum. It's hard to see it happen to those you care about and Hallmark has yet to make a greeting card suitable for the occasion. At the same time, I can't take that all on too. I'd rather just tunnel vision on doing what I got to do for my kiddo. I'm all about helping out others and sharing basic tips. Don't get me wrong. I just think it's way better for any parent's psyche to spend twenty minutes shooting the breeze over the game last night or the this season of Boardwalk Empire than having an in-depth conversation on medical research. Sometimes we have to turn off the "All autism. All the time." part of our brains because dammit dude, my brain just needs a break.
The Kiddo is ten. I have bigger fish to fry. We have a middle school transition that is quickly approaching. Last week I discovered some hair growing on some places on him and he is starting to have teenage boy stink on him by the end of the day. Puberty is coming and I will need to be sedated the day we have to figure out how to shave his face. I can't even get this kid to trim his toe nails without having to sneak it in while he sleeps. Can I shave him as he sleeps? Is that doable? He still can barely write his name. You want me to read a hundred different articles and blogs online that folks keep sending me to see about what caused autism to show up? That has to take a number. He's growing rapidly here and I have too much to worry about than adding that. Hell I can't even remember to take out something to defrost for dinner much less figure out when I can comb through miles of medical research on this subject. My family can't eat research.
So I am sorry if the question what caused your child's autism is still knocking at your door. I just decided to close the door on that subject and I've been a lot happier for it. Despite a life filled with routines and schedules, more freedom came with that choice too. I'm not saying for you to do it. I'm not saying this is the only way of thinking that is right. Like we say in Jersey, "You do you." Just be open to the idea of shifting your energy off this one thing. You might just thank me for it.
I accept cash donations as "thank yous". :-)
I accept cash donations as "thank yous". :-)
My kiddo has sensory issues, We tried electric razor no dice.He uses the Gillette disposable or the Flexball with shaving cream He does this all by himself! He does a great job. Hang in there
ReplyDeleteThank you! Thank you so much for this. I don't want to talk about it and I don't want to answer all the emails I get whenever there's an article on HuffPo or a new parent memoir.
ReplyDeleteMy kiddo was internationally adopted at a very young age. I will never know not do I care what caused his autism. Signs were there at 6 months.
ReplyDeleteOh my goodness! Thank you so much for today's blog. I thought I was the only one who felt this way. My son is 7 old and my only concerns are that he is happy and healthy!
ReplyDeleteYup, right there with you. People ask me what I think, but the truth is that like you, it really doesn't matter to me. What matters is taking care of my boy just as he is.
ReplyDeleteAlthough the life challenges I face are different to yours, I understand the need to use energy to deal with those challenges rather than going round in circles with all the "why" questions. We each have to find our way to survive.
ReplyDeleteI'm with you. The day to day is more important... not going to hold my breath, I need it to get through the day.
ReplyDeleteKudos to you! I always say (and get the looks) Everyone is definitely aware of Autism now its time to accept and move on...So much research and funding goes into 1 in a million theories when families are struggling! I live it 4 kiddos 2 preteens diagnosed...Yikes
ReplyDeleteYes, yes, just yes! We are right there with you, turn the page, middle school, body hair, boy stink et al!!!
ReplyDeleteMy MIL is raising my autistic step son, and he's happy there but we get judged about it my husband had him before me he had to work to provide for him so he moved in with his mom to have her help he was 18 and doing what he felt was best. Its sad, they live in Florida but he's so happy my hubby took it hard at first but hes happy we know what he has to help him as far as trying to find out why were the same way thanks for this
ReplyDeleteYou do what you need to do. It's not heartless at all; it's realistic.
ReplyDeleteAs far as shaving, what about that "NoNo" non-razor thing they have on infomercials? Seriously, if it works, it may be an option for him...
Thank you! My 10-year-old is on the Spectrum and sweet baby Jesus does he stink!!! I am dreading his first wet dream; I'm sure it will happen while the hubby is deployed.
ReplyDeleteOh, and thank you for the post. I'm also at the "I don't care what caused his Autism" stage because really, it doesn't matter. Doc Brown and I are on the outs so being able to go back and change anything isn't an option.
ReplyDeleteI also realize that all 10-year-old boys stink, not just Spectrum ones. (Just re-read my previous reply.)
(I think I'm a little over-caffeinated. Time to get away from the keyboard.)
(But Kittens!!!)
Loved this post -- especially the line "Sometimes we have to turn off the "All autism. All the time." part of our brains because dammit dude, my brain just needs a break." I might have to quote that one! I know what you mean about shaving and toenail trimming. It is coming with the younger I'm sure. Thank goodness both boyz are late bloomers and not big facial hair growth candidates!
ReplyDeleteLove, Love, Love this!!!!!! Made me Grin from Ear to Ear... From another Jersey Girl to you, Keep doing you BooBoo cuz Im definitely right there with you... Thank you for this... :)
ReplyDeleteI have said this SO many times to many different people that dare ask the question. My answer: I don't care what caused it, I just want to help him get better. And that's the truth. I no longer care what caused it. I just want to help my son, now 8 year old.
ReplyDeleteI also agree with turning off the "all Autism, all the time" feature. I spend time with friends who are childless just so I don't have to talk about it. I spend enough time talking to doctors, specialists, teachers, and therapists. I like the break. I need the break.
I have two other kids, 7 and 5, that need me. I can't only focus on the research of who, what, when, where, why. I know that life lived is more important. If having a spitting contest (gross!) is what they want to do for fun, so be it... as long as it is outside. ;) Once a week we have dessert before dinner. It won't hurt them. I choose to make memories for my children - and hopefully they will be well rounded, adjusted, compassionate men.
Keep blogging Mama Fry! I love your stuff. :)
A previous commenter said "Everyone is definitely aware of autism." Not true. Everyone who deals with autism as a parent, relative, friend or provider is aware, but to think that many people outside our group are just as tuned in is not correct. A bunch of idiotic high school kids in Ohio recently played a horrible prank on a teen. Strangers in supermarkets glare at parents. "Polite" churchgoers ask to have kids removed from a worship service. Patrons in restaurants request to be moved so they are not disturbed. Sorry, but those people are not aware and they need to be educated. I write this as a parent of a young adult on the spectrum.
ReplyDeleteI have a kid with sensory issues and I'm with you 100%...I DON'T CARE why or how. He's my lil' man and I love him to the moon and back. I wouldn't change 1 thing about him. I know that I did not do anything wrong to cause this (I saw in one article malnutrition during pregnancy could be one cause). Really?!?
ReplyDeleteI'd like to know, just so I can stop guessing, healthy curiosity.. I've got a quirky family and wonder if it's in the genes *laugh* But other than that it's not a huge concern.
ReplyDeleteDon't really care to 'fix' the kid either. He's awesome the way he is. What mom doesn't love having her baby stay a baby just a little while longer? I'm pretty sure if he's still entirely dependent by 4-5 years old I'll sing a different tune, but right now I'm pretty ok with it. (He's 2 1/2, suspected ASD at 18 months. Still waiting for official diagnosis. We're just beginning this thing.)
I hope he accomplishes what he wishes to accomplish. I hope he'll be happy. Don't care if he'll be an engineer or a farmer as long as he's ok with it in the end.
We're working on communication, just so he has a way to be heard. Pretty vital stuff. Don't care how he communicates.. pictures, words, interpretative dance.. as long as he can tell me what he needs. And we will work on his independence. For him.
I spent 10 years blaming myself for my son issues what if i would have had him sooner what if i had waited and let them stop my labor was it my fault he wasnt breathing when he was born .... Then one day in mid November i finally got a dignossis as to why he did the things he did it was a blessing to just have an answer then you start reading the why and the what they think causes it at that point i desided 10 years was long enough to blame and ask why I got the answer i needed and most the time any more i will hit blog site before i call a dr why you ask because they dont live it they study it and most the time us parents can help each other faster than a dr
ReplyDeleteI am with you. It never bothered me from day one. I just like to help out parents and survive.
ReplyDeleteWe are just beginning our journey for possible diagnosis at 5 years old. We had some significant issues with trying to start kindergarten and it has been suggested that he may be one the higher functioning end of the scale. As we have started through this process people ask what if he is autistic and all I can say is if it gets him the help he needs to succeed and interact with other successfully then they can tell me he has purple polka dots for all I care.
ReplyDeleteI suppose it is only slightly along the lines of your entry but I don't need to know why he may be the way he is I only need to know how best to help him be the best he can be.
It was nice to see others with similar feelings.
THANK YOU! wish i could give you a million dollars, this post is wonderful. XO
ReplyDeleteI'm also at this point in my life. It took a while to stop trying to 'cure' my special boys. X
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU from another mom in Club Spectrum.
ReplyDeleteI go back and forth on this. From the science geek in me I'd love to know the cause, but as a mom it doesn't matter. Really, if a cause is ever found I know I will just say to myself "Oh that's cool" and go on with our lives doing what we have been doing because not a thing will have changed.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. It took me a bit to get here, but the mom in me looks to the future of what I can do for my child.
ReplyDeleteLOVE LOVE LOVE THIS. Dead on and I feel the same way.
ReplyDeleteThank you for a post that explains exactly how I feel - I get so tired of reading those articles that tell me all the things I did wrong when I was pregnant that caused my dear daughter to be on the spectrum - seriously? I wasn't supposed to breathe for fear of air pollution? Thanks.
ReplyDeleteJust another thank you for writing this -- I could have written it myself, and my boy is now 12. I tell others to talk amongst themselves about the research or articles, etc. I'm too busy taking care of us.
ReplyDeleteI teach at a school & all the students have some "issue" or another. Oh well, it's how they are wired & we do our best. My son's friend has ashberger's She gave me a few tips for someplace new to him & off we went. No biggie. She had a day to herself & my son & his friend had fun. I deal with a class of ten, all bouncing off the wall all day, no different. I can read pages of "history" of my students, I don't really much care what made them that way either. Only the parts that tell me how to help them, same with my son's friend. I hope you have friends & a school that support you & yor child too.
ReplyDeleteSounds like you prefer to bury your head in the sand?! We all must care about finding out what causes autism to prevent future cases of autism. Of course vaccines causes autism! The Amish do not vaccinate their kids and they have no autism. Haven't you read the about the cover-ups at the CDC and the CDC whistle blower, Dr. William Thompson? Have you heard of Dr. Poul Thorsen? It's only a matter of time that the truth will come out. It's our job as an autism parents to educate other parents about the vaccine holocaust. The American people have to wake-up!! Burying your head in the sand and continuing to vaccinate your kiddo is just plain stupid.
ReplyDeleteLove it :D
ReplyDeleteThank you. Thank you for writing and for your honesty. Our 2.5 yr old son was diagnosed in Sept and we are only 5.5 months into this alphabet soup and I have started to shut the door on that as well. No offense to anyone. I realize I am late in joining your blog/family experiences and this post isn't recent for you, but it is a breathe of fresh new air for me as just last week a person tried to mention the relationship of vaccines to autism to me and my cheeks got hot and my ears filled up and I had to figure out how to not curse out an elder and not become physical in front of my almost 4 year old daughter and 2.5 yr old son (ASD). So thank you. So many autism related sites I have found so far focus on God and cures and opinions and details that have nothing to do with my family's reality...my reality right now is trying to figure out how to remember to brush my teeth every day and make sure my kids know they are loved always.... anywho, thank you. xo
ReplyDeletesorry I meant to say "shut the door on figuring out the cause" - not shut the door on our son lol....oh that just cracked me up...
DeleteThank you!Thank you for writing this. I have a 13 year old brother who has autism and i have always wondered what caused him to have this. Your post has helped open my eyes and see that I should accept him because no matter how many articles i read its not going to change who he is. So thank you for writing this.
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