Saturday, September 3, 2016

Moving Forward

Toward the end of ESY (Extended School Year) aka "Summer School", we had a bit of a major setback with the Kiddo, his anxiety, and school. It was a real shock to our system because for five weeks stuff at school was great. We got some nice emails from the teacher about how he was handling the new school and adjusting to life at the middle school. Then our old enemy "Anxiety" showed up the last week and it all hit the muthaloving fan. Who the Hell invited that guy? Seriously, Anxiety, you can't sit with us.

I don't even care if you are wearing pink on a Wednesday.  

How it was handled there wasn't ideal. In fact, it sort of sucked. It was a recipe for a clusterfuck though. New people that did not know him and his previous work. Stuff that he used at his old school to help self regulate and calm was not available at this one. I think six weeks of not having his comfort items and all the newness took it's toll and the Kiddo went HAM with the attention seeking behaviors. The more I reflect on it, the more I know these behaviors were his only way to draw attention to himself for being so miserable and unhappy and unsure of everything. This is where the communication disorder in autism is a bit of a bitch.  Why say "Mom, I'm really upset at school." when throwing blocks across the classroom is in your wheelhouse?

So we have had since a flurry of emails, phone calls, and meetings since the big blow up. We're trying to get all the steps in place for him for when school starts up again. I'm not gonna lie. I am freaking out about it and wish I could go back in time and send him to his old elementary school where he was King of the joint. Everyone knew him and more importantly knew his triggers and how to redirect him.

Yesterday they had a "Welcome 6th graders" pizza party at the school.  It was for all the incoming students to come and get a tour of the place, mingle, and in general get a little more used to the place they are about to attend for the next couple of years.  No parents allowed.  I really wanted him to go.  I wanted the Kiddo to see his pals from his old school from the typical classes.  Even though he had been in the building all summer, it was going to be a whole lot different with way more students and staff in it.  I thought it was a good way to get an idea of what that would be like for him. This middle school would also have a lot more students that he hasn't met yet coming from other elementary schools.  I wanted them to get to know the Kiddo. See what a swell guy he is.

I was very, very, very wrong with this idea.

Even though he was scripting like a mofo, I still took him.  I still dropped him off to the caseworker that was going to shadow him.  I told her I would hang in the parking lot and it was a good thing I did.  Forty minutes my cell rang and I could hear the Kiddo hollering like a banshee as a staff member said "Yeah, we tried. Come get him."  And so I did, with my sunglasses on because I did not want them or him to see the tears in my eyes.

I don't know if it was too much for him or the fact that he knew it wasn't a real school day or the alignments of the planets or because I didn't perform a animal sacrifice.  Perhaps it was just because of autism, which is most likely the best explanation.

And like any good meltdown, he had to peseverate on it for hours.

And like any good autism parent, I kept reminding him that the activity was done. The event was over. "Moving forward!" On to the next thing.

But in my head, I am still obsessing over it. I am trying to figure out what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future. I am convincing myself that this school year is going to be awful.  That all the hard work that was put into the Kiddo all his years in elementary school are gone.  My stomach is in knots at the idea that the school will be calling me every day with another complaint about his behaviors.  They think the logical thing to do is to call me like I have some sort of magic secret solution to all this that I am keeping from them.  Trust me school, I'm not. This is where we both need to agree that we both don't always know what to do.  This is where you at the school just have to power through some of his shittier behaviors because at the end of the day, that's all we do here in this house when he has them when nothing else works.  Welcome to our world. It sucks sometimes.

I'm trying to remember to move forward.  I'm trying not to dwell in the much here.  I'm struggling here. Some problems can't be solved by ordering another side of fries. Some problems are only tackled by powering through and moving forward.  Like a bulldozer.

Middle school, be patient with my Kiddo.  There is a reason so many people love him.  He's freaking awesome.  Just move forward with him.


13 comments:

  1. I hope things get better at his new school!!! *hugs*

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  2. <3 Right there with you in this. <3

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  3. Oh Eileen I feel for you and hope his school learns to deal and adapt! Facing similar fears here as my son starts to transition from IBI therapy into elementary school and trying not to let my anxiety show so as not to feed his.........hang in there Momma and don't beat yourself up....we all make mistakes with the best of intentions! Sherry from Toronto

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  4. Feeling you on this one Momma Fry!!! Our guy is only in 1st grade...middle schools looms in the future like a big gray storm cloud that I can't even think about right now. The transition from kindergarten to first is enough of a challenge...and I am an educator myself...18 years in the profession...and yet I stand by feeling helpless as my little man goes to school...and the phone calls come. I don't know what the school wants us to do...as you said....we aren't keeping the "magic" secret of how to get our little guy to keep it together ....the knot that builds in my stomach on my drive home from my own classroom is ever present as I wonder....how was his day today? What note/call/email may I need to confront today? Does the mama bear need to come out and make another call to the school...demanding that all the SDI's to IEP are being implemented? Sigh....so we get you here in PA mama Fry...on this Labor day weekend find time to put your feet up...grab a glass of wine and enjoy a side of fries! Praying for all of us this school year! Thank you for your blog...comfort knowing we are not alone.

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  5. Mamma Fry, My daughter is 20. We went through all of this and have come out the other side... alive and well (for the most part!). Your family will, too!

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  6. Honestly, if the teachers are willing to meet your kiddo's needs, everything is going to be fine. His last school loved him because of who he is and they probably really liked you too. How could they not? This new school just needs time. Our kiddo is still pretty little and has habilitation at home. We just had a new habilitator start this week. She's really nice and compassionate, but our kiddo is still a mystery to her. (Stupid communication delays and SPD.) It will probably take a month for him to really trust her and for her to feel confident with him. You're an awesome mom and you have a wonderful kiddo. And you're so right. Keep moving forward. Setbacks don't have to hold us up too long if we can shrug it off and keep our eyes on our goals.

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  7. Walking into the school with my Sun glasses on. Next time I will picture you in the car with me and I will feel less alone.

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  8. I can so relate. While my son is very verbal, he can't articulate what's going through his brain when he gets worked up. Then, as you said, BAM. He's a junior in high school now. We're making it. Barely at times, but we are. Kiddo will get there too and so will you. You just have to hang on, and at times it will feel like you're hanging on for dear life, but hang on. Once he works it out in his mind,once the school figures out what to do, it will be okay. Give them time. Reading what to do and what worked is one thing, experiencing it and applying what you've read is another. He will be okay.

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  9. I can so relate. While my son is very verbal, he can't articulate what's going through his brain when he gets worked up. Then, as you said, BAM. He's a junior in high school now. We're making it. Barely at times, but we are. Kiddo will get there too and so will you. You just have to hang on, and at times it will feel like you're hanging on for dear life, but hang on. Once he works it out in his mind,once the school figures out what to do, it will be okay. Give them time. Reading what to do and what worked is one thing, experiencing it and applying what you've read is another. He will be okay.

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  10. I so feel for you! My guy started 6th grade/Middle School last year!

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  11. I have one more year in grade school. I've been dreading the 7th grade since we moved into this school three years ago.
    When I sacrifice my animal, I will swipe some blood on your thresh hold too in hopes that this shit will pass over us!

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  12. We went through a period where our oldest's first school would ring us every day with a new complaint. It eventually bordered on bullying. They weren't looking for a magic secret solution from me to help them. They thought they WERE the magic secret solution. But in reality they were making her the target of every problem that happened, and in turn, the children in the school did as well. I do not exaggerate when I say it damn near gave me (another) nervous breakdown. We changed schools.
    With the little one, we do get phone calls looking for the magic secret solution. But thankfully this school doesn't call every day, so we can cope. We are just bemused sometimes why a class that is designed for special needs kids doesn't realise that we can't fix problems that are happening in their classroom. I'm not there! And by the time I see her at home, she's completely forgotten the incidents and has no idea why I'm giving her a dressing down.
    All of this is no help to you I'm sure, other than to say, even on the other side of the world, we deal with this shit too.

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  13. This was me yesterday.. Driving to my son's new preschool with tears streaming down my face. I didn't have sunglasses but I had the presence of mind to grab some tissue before I left work in a hurry. It was the first time for him in his class without an aide and it didn't last 2 hours...

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