Mixed feelings.

It's okay to resent some of this stuff.  Autism.  There, I said it.  You are allowed to be upset by some of the things that autism does.  Yes, you can.  You are not a monster for acknowledging how you feel. You can be mad at it.  Some parts of autism can be not only hard to understand but very hard to live with.  It's what you do with those feelings that counts.

 I would never dismiss a feeling in a person.  That's their right to feel it. Sometimes you're stuck in it for a few moments and sometimes, a few months.  One feeling I'm sick of feeling is those who judge us and our feelings about autism.

Guess what my dears? I can be mad about some of this shit AND still be a good mom.  I can resent the crippling anxiety and sensory issues AND still celebrate the fact that my Kiddo is awesome for his unique way of looking at the world.  Humans are complex creatures.  We can have more than one feeling going on at one time. It's possible.  At the end of the day, when you are the one being kicked, grabbed and screamed at by him, when you are the one cleaning him up after he barfs from anxiety again, when you are the one picking up the pieces for the hundred time of his latest meltdown, then you get to have a say about my parenting.  Till then, go be perfect someplace else.

I can still take issue with the folks that left my life because autism came along in ours and made things complicated.  Likewise, because of autism there are now literally thousands of wonderful people in our lives that wouldn't have been otherwise. I mean, it's kind of nuts knowing that.  I thought I had good people around us till they weren't around anymore and although that doesn't happen as much, it still happens as his needs change.  But pick you over my Kiddo?  Bitch, please and BYE.

Autism brings a lot of mixed feelings.  All the freaking time. I struggle with the daily. I'm trying my best and I even know that sometimes my best will still fail him. I'm not going to deny when I have those mixed feelings though.  Even though I resent having them.

What can I say?  This shit is complicated. ;-)

Kiddo, It's 106 miles to Chicago, we got a full tank of gas, a side of fries, it's dark, and we're wearing sunglasses. Despite it all, there's no other person on earth I'd rather be on this road trip with.