Is it wrong to look at a bruise and think "Gee, that would make a nice color lipstick."?
This is my arm. The bruise came as part of Kiddo's meltdown of "Daddy Fry" leaving the house for a few hours on a Saturday. Kiddo is the president of the Daddy Fry fan club and he wasn't to thrilled to be left behind with boring old Mama Fry. So he let his displeasure be known. Unfortunately, how he does that leaves a lot to be desired.
It starts with crying and screaming for his wants. One might even think, "Oh that's just a good old fashioned temper tantrum." Don't give into that, so I didn't.
This is where autism comes. This is not just naughty or spoiled behavior we are dealing with here. This is "The world is ending. I don't know how to handle this." desperate attempts of self soothing that often lend themselves to looking more like a wrestling smack down and less like a mom patting her son on the head and saying "There, there. It'll be okay."
His favorite thing to self soothe is to get sensory input. Mainly by slamming/digging his forehead and his chin into my face while grabbing at my arms. With the Kiddo clocking in at ninety nine pounds and being 5 foot 1, it hurts. Badly. I try to "defend and deflect", like I learned in my old restraint training days back when I used to be able to leave autism behind me after I clocked out with my time card. This time he cut under one of my arms and leaned in with all his weight with a vice like grip. As he was doing it all I could think was "Sonofabitch! This is gonna leave a mark.", and I was right. It did. One hell of a big one on my upper arm. Geez, Kiddo. You couldn't do this to me during long sleeve season? It's quite visible for all to see.
Which leads to fun conversations when folks notice it. (Did I mention I am Irish by heritage ergo, pale AF. As the kids say.) So it really, really, really, stands out. "Oh my god! What did you do to yourself??" is what I keep hearing and that leads me to this moment.
The reality is it was my twelve year old son. It wasn't be accident but it wasn't premeditated either. The reality is while I will be the first one to say "A tantrum isn't a meltdown.", it's doesn't mean that they can't turn into one. The reality is I'm not going to say what happened because they will want to offer unhelpful opinions, theories, and suggestions on what I should do to him without having any real idea of what the reality of our situation is on a day to day basis. The reality is when I do tell select folks because I know they get it, it's merely to get a much needed pep talk to get through stuff like this. I know they know I'm not looking for an instant fix but at the same time I don't want to repeat this even though it sadly will happen again.
The reality is the Kiddo keeps looking at it and pointing/poking it with his finger. He knows he did it. He knows I'm not happy about it. I don't lie about how I feel about it to him though. That would be completely unrealistic of me to pretend it was nothing. I know he feels remorse for it. Right now it's serving as a visual reminder to us both of all the work we still have ahead of us.
So I will redirect, redirect, and redirect him to find other ways to self soothe that don't involve me looking like I just came out of a caged match. "Chin on the wall, Kiddo. Not my face." Even though my face is apparently perfect for such input, I'm taking on those ways of self soothing on because the reality is that it's starting to look like plain old abuse. While I love a red lip, red marks and bruises aren't working for me. Plus the future just keeps creeping up on us and this is no way to handle oneself. Ever.
This is the reality of our autism. This might not be what you deal with and if that is the case, I'm glad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'm his mom. I'm the one who's job it is to make him feel better but it doesn't make me his freaking punching bag.
Did I mention we're leaving for vacation soon? The reality is I will be packing my corkscrew because it's gonna be a TRIP!
Wish us luck!
My kid can always find the tender-as-veal part of my upper arm. Hurts like hell. Thank you for sharing this. I know it's not just us.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Mama Fry. This stuff is never easy but your transparency undoubtedly makes many feel less alone in their own struggles with similar issues. All of my love.
ReplyDeleteYou are not alone in this. My kiddo likes her sensory input with her elbows into the fleshy part of my leg... a common phrase around here..."ouch, elbows elbows!" and bruises abound
ReplyDeletePlrichardson you made me laugh as that is a common phrase around our house too..."Elbows, oh the Elbows"
DeleteMy boy digs his nails into my arms and leaves scratch marks that look like I had a fight with a wildcat. Which is kinda true. Thank you for this post. It's a difficult part of the amazing.
ReplyDeleteThis sounds exactly like my 4 yr old daughter. The bigger she gets the more she hurts me while im trying to calm her meltdowns and i am so stressed out because I know it will get worse the bigger she gets. She busted me in the nose with her head and kicked me in the stomach last night. Shes bitten her teacher when shes had one at school. Its so painful to watch her hurting and i dont know what to do for her
ReplyDeleteMy daughter is the same way except she's more of a biter/kicker/puncher. And at 5'3", 105 lbs,and 12 years old with an almost unnatural strength, it's tough. I have landed in the ER with sprains, back injuries, etc., more times than I can count because of taking the brunt of her neltdowns. I'm sure the nurses think I'm in an abusive relationship by now. I lie to the ER nurses, but never to my daughter. I tell her that I understand why it happened, but it is still unacceptable. This last year though we made her a punching bag and a punching pillow which she has taken to during meltdowns. I'm actually really happy to say the bag and pillow now take the brunt for the last year. But the work it took to get here left me very emotionally drained at times.
ReplyDeleteGoodness our struggle isn't easy. As an autism parent I never know what us next. I have always been the target of his painful meltdowns and at only 3 and over 50 pounds it isn't as easy as it seems. T he bigger he gets the harder it is to take.
ReplyDeleteThank you for posting this. My kid was only recently diagnosed with autism..all the while he had been kicking, hitting and biting me hard enough to leave blood and bruises..I had 6 at once. waiting forever for the evaluaiton, I read autism blogs. All I get is lovely fluff, and I think..my kid doesn't have this..we don't have any lovely fluff. We have bruises. I was really terrified and his doctors just scheduled the eval. I was scared it wasn't autism, honestly. I am thankful to hear a REAL story, because I was really starting to feel like a massive failure of a parent, and very trapped. Something magical happened and I have gotten him to stop hurting me badly enough to leave bruises so I'm pretty good with that progress. But thank you again.
ReplyDeleteTo tell the truth, I didn't read your whole post becaus ... well ... I can still feel my son's teeth in my arm, reading your meltdown. 180lbs, 5'7", 12 years old. Let's just say, I ain't fit to the task anymore. Teeth and punches are coming waayy quicker than I can deflect. Finally found an "emergency" pill to save mom : benadryl. I don't give often (3-4 times a year at most) but it saves my limbs ... and my mind. Once kiddo's meltdown is finish, usually mama goes out on the balcony to cry a little (a lot actually). So, sue me for saving my life with a pill... :|
ReplyDeleteI don't think many people share this part of autism, and to be honest, I was starting to feel all alone. Although I don't like hearing that anyone else has to go through it, I am glad I know I am not going through it alone now. My kiddo's meltdowns have gotten far less frequent now than he is older, but they occasional do happen and he feels terrible afterwards. I wasn't sure if my telling him how I felt about it was the right thing to do, other than the psychiatrist saying so, but I'm glad others do it too. I think he needs to know so he can learn, hopefully, to control himself a little more during meltdowns. He has gotten immensely better over the years (he is 16).
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry, Mama Fry. My Kiddo hits himself in the face/head or bangs his head against the wall to self soothe (not hard enough to cause damage to himself, I've already set those limits, and he hates the idea of wearing a helmet all the time) and I thought that was bad. My ODD daughter lashes out violently (on purpose) against her brother and me, almost never leaving marks, and I thought that was bad too. But what you and your Kiddo have to work through, I never thought it could get like that. You are a strong, brave, wise and loving Mama Fry, to be there for him for him every day, to be his rock, his voice. To make him feel so safe and comfortable with you that he seeks you for soothing, although he doesn't realize that it hurts you until after. I'm praying that with God's help (and your constant love and redirection, Mama Fry), he finds a better way to soothe when he's upset. Something that still keeps you involved, but is less physical. I believe he will get there, and it will be because of his indomitable Mama Fry.
ReplyDeleteYou are a fantastic mom..... As I am sure all of you on this thread are......cheers to good mom's!!!! You are the lifeline to these beautiful and unique kiddos!
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Deletemy younger brother once, during a rage, broke my dad's finger. (this was like...5? years ago). super remorseful....since then his rages haven't broke anything, but they did recently put dents in the car.....
ReplyDeleteI feel you been dealing with situations like this for years my best one was the black eye I got while defending our oldest daughter who was pregnant at the time he wanted a hug but his hugs can be sore and painful. Funny thing was when went out with the very noticeable black eye hubby kept getting dirty looks. Sigh people are not judgemental at all lol
ReplyDeleteHey. We were a part of the tantrum into meltdown club yesterday too. My sons are very similar including the chin into my face and something I like to call the 'hug lock' part head lock part very very firm hug. I feel you mama fry.
ReplyDeleteI was finally able to coax him outside to the sand table where he was able to get different sensory input that calmed him down.
My littlest drop of sunshine has been handing out the beatings for a decade. It lessened when we got her onto respiadone, but puberty has hit and she's about to go back to school tomorrow after a 3 day suspension for sending a teacher to hospital. She punched a kid in her class then gave this poor substitute teacher a left/right combo. I feel like maybe the spirit of Ali inhabited her body for one last bout.
ReplyDeleteBack in her single figure years, when I met someone who didn't know us, I'd have to explain that my husband didn't abuse me. I felt so bad for him, because I could see it written all over their faces when they'd spot the bruises.
Well done for talking about it, I have tried to share this sort of thing on my blog too, though it is hard. My eldest lad uses his chin as a weapon too, alongside his fingernails and teeth. Hope your holiday goes smoothly!
ReplyDeleteThank you for writing this. I am so tired of reading how wonderful autism is. Many aspects of it are hard and puberty is the worst. Enjoy your vacation!
ReplyDeleteNot to mention the bruises and injuries or kids get, seeking sensory input, or because their not getting enough input to know they're hurting themselves. I hate having to explain it to people all the time. But I do, so they know no one is being abused. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI had to wear gloves and long sleeves one summer. I never knew when my son might bite.
ReplyDeleteThe reality of Autism is all the ups and downs. At my son's kindergarten graduation he yelled out the audience for the other parents clapping for their kids. This led to a meltdown and leaving the ceremony. But, today, he ate a whole slice of apple, opened the door to the public bathroom (scared of automatic toilets), and played so well at the park. We take the good with the bad.
ReplyDeleteSounds like the perfect vacation. Swimming in a pool and spray pad and visiting water parks. That is also our son's dream vacation
ReplyDeleteWe have a 12-year old on the spectrum, with a side of severe ADHD, but very high functioning (sometimes I call him my evil genius), but the anxiety-induced meltdowns are bad. While he is not usually physical with us, his verbal abuse of parents and siblings is just a bad. His sensory input usually involves very loud and disruptive noises and trying his absolute hardest to disrupt and annoy the rest of the household (especially bad when we are vacationing and sharing a house with other family members!). Anyone else experience this and have suggestions on how to handle it? We are to the point where we may not be able to stay overnight anywhere any more if we can't find a solution. Also - Thanks, Mama Fry, for the blog! I love your perspective and makes me feel like I'm not alone!
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