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Wednesday, July 10, 2013

"I don't know how you do it"

Guess what Sunshine?  Neither do I.  I'm not saying this in a super humble, there, but for  the grace of God, go I sort of way.  I am saying this in the completely burnt out, oh my god he pooped his pants twice in an hour and now I have to give him a second bath kind of way.  I do it because I have no other choice but to do it.  If I don't do it, I would be some sort of monster.  If I do what needs to be done, this token cliche phrase gets tossed at me.  Let me translate that to what that means to me when I hear it. 

"Thank God that ain't me." and you know what?  I'd almost appreciate that honesty a little more.  You think I got it harder/worse than you? Well, I don't think so.  I just have it different than you.

My parenting to my son is different because of his needs but I am doing the same job as you.  Each kid is a flipping snowflake, blah blah blah, you get what I'm saying right?  I'm trying to make a point on this cliche phrase.  I really don't want to use one.  So why do I get put on the shelf of "Parenting All Stars Most High".  Just because of a medical diagnosis?  That's just odd to me.  Maybe it's because he's the only kid I have.  I just don't see why I have to get boxed into some Donna Reed "My, isn't she stoic" sort of category. 

Maybe it's because I've seen the "looks" and gotten comments from strangers about my kid that make me question my failure as a parent more times than I can count.  The women that stare at me as I lead my 9 year old son into a public restroom because he still does not have the communication skills or the sense of awareness to be left by himself in a men's room.  (Screw you ladies.  You are all in stalls anyway.  He can't see anything and guess what?  He doesn't care even if he did.)  The "advice" that is offered to me that folks think is so helpful is usually anything but that.   ("Oh he's in your bed nightly.  You should stop that you know?  Really?  I had no idea.  I just figured we do it this way. Co sleeping till he is 34.)

Let me not forget the joy and pain that is seen in online social media.  If I am ever feeling to full of myself, I can just hop on Facebook, state an opinion and sit back to watch trolls feed off it till it's been ripped to shreds.  Man, what is it about hiding behind that computer screen or smart phone and folks grow a pair of brass ones don't they?  At the same time, I can write something like how my son required two baths in a single hour and have countless other parents give me the cyber fist bump through the screen.  They've been there.  They've done that.  They're still buying baby butt wipes for a baby that is rapidly approaching ten. 

I don't know how anyone does it, this parenting thing.  It's the hardest job I have ever done.  Just learning to accept the fact that even while I think I have a moment of rest, (going to the bathroom) I'm not really.  He's always there.  I'm always "on call" so to speak.  There is no end in sight.  There is no punching out.  The pay sucks and he refuses to match my 401K.  Parenting is now just another involuntary action to my being.  Even when I die, I will probably come back to haunt him and tell him in a ghostly tone to drink his milk and to leave the dog alone.  Frankly I'd rather not think of the dying part as I can't.  No really I can't.  See, that's one of those different moments I was telling you about.  Don't feel like you got to be sorry for me.   It is what it is.  Autism teaches me that every day. 

How do I do it?  A diet of coffee, fries and wine.  An exercise routine of running after him to put on pants in the morning followed by lifting his melting down self off the floor when he's completely overwhelmed.  Add a heavy dash of sarcasm and little sleep which helps keeps me a little dizzy and possibly deluded into thinking everything is going to be just fine. 

Just don't put me on that Supermom pedestal.  Just let me sit on the Tired Mom couch in my yoga pants watching Bravo reality TV. 


32 comments:

  1. Yes Yes Yes!!!! Thank God someone finally said it! Love this!

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  2. I'll join you on the tired mom couch! Well said!!

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  3. Exactly the words I feel! Thank you!!

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  4. I had tears in my eyes reading this. Because this is exactly how feel almost everyday. Criticized for medicating him, told what I'm dong wrong, or being praise for just being a mom to my child to the point I get all weird and awkward and fidgety. I lost my best friend of 6 years recently because over vacation after a plane ride that started with a 2 hour delay, and then ended with an 8 hour car ride AND showering outside at the camp ground he was crabby and tired and way out of his element so he started being (how do I say this lovingly...)a royal pain in the butt. So talked back to me and she got up and back handed him across the face because she felt I was not taking a firm enough hand with him. After I calmed him down from hi hysterical melt down that followed I "politely" screamed and yelled and cried at her. In the end she chose to go her separate way from us. Any way...I feel you. I really....really...feel you.

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    1. Wow. Although I've never had a friend slap my kid, I know longer have any. That seems to be part of being the mom of a child with Autism. Your "friend" should be glad you didn't give her an old-fashioned beat down. Maybe its time all of us moms started having conferences or something. This boat of loneliness seems to be getting bigger.

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  5. Make room on the Mom Couch for me. I'll bring over the Cardbordeaux and a couple of straws LOL
    Well said!

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  6. well said, I think so many of us feel this way.... but you found a way to really put it out there. Thank you

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  7. Well said! I'm not a mom to a kid with a disability, but I'm a special education teacher, and whenever we leave school campus.... I want to slap "the look" of every person's face who gives it us.

    Even as spe. ed teachers we get the "I don't know how you do it" line from the general education teachers and administrators. And every time, it half ticks me off and half surprises me.

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  8. I literally LOL-ed at the "cosleeping til 34" haha your blog is by far my favorite! Fist bump mama fry :)

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  9. Make room on the couch Mama Fry! This is my life in a nut shell! Fist bumps to all the ASD Momma's !! " How do you do it? I could never do that! Followed by a pity face. Oh Im sorry whats my other choice? And behind door number 2 ..... :)

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  10. Make room on the couch Mama Fry! This is my life in a nut shell! Fist bumps to all the ASD Momma's !! " How do you do it? I could never do that! Followed by a pity face. Oh Im sorry whats my other choice? And behind door number 2 ..... :)

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  11. Make room on the couch Mama Fry! This is my life in a nut shell! Fist bumps to all the ASD Momma's !! " How do you do it? I could never do that! Followed by a pity face. Oh Im sorry whats my other choice? And behind door number 2 ..... :)

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  12. I love reading your comments, and I try not to respond too much. You see, I'm an Autism Aide, and one of those people who, when I started, would be the person that said "Why don't they do X" "Why don't the parents do (fill in the blank). I have changed dirty pants, throw up, been bit, scratched, cussed at ect. and again, would say under my breath, "if this was my child". But, a very wise women giving a class once said, don't constantly tell the parent all the bad stuff their child did at school, because they already know. You have that child for 7 and 1/2 hours a day. They have them 24 hours a day. Now don't get me wrong, I love what I do, and adore the kids I work with. And I know that your not "SUPERMOM", your just a mom, but your super at being a mom. You have a great attitude, go with the flow. I know this is long and sort of rambly, just wanted to let you know that I (finally) get it.

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  13. Fricking love you. Thank you for being our voice!!!

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  14. Now I feel kinda bad ... when you guys were over the other day, I thought exactly that ... "how do you do it?" But now, I know that what I was really thinking was "good for you! you go girl!", or something like that.
    First time on your blog, by the way, love your writing style. :)

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  15. Amen. I get the 'I don't know how you do it' daily, and all I hear is 'I'm so happy it isn't me'. Thanks for this post (and everything you write) - it helps to know there's others going through the same.

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  16. Well said; fist bump! Now...I think we are going to need a bigger couch y'all!

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  17. well said my fellow warrior!!

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  18. Being a mom makes you a super mom. it doesn't matter, the situation of the diagnosis. it is because you love without condition, putting your child's needs above your own. your life, like your child, is unique....but you are blessed because you are that child's mom. God bless you and all the moms with these situations. You were chosen because you have the strength and the capacity to love that others do not have..

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  19. Way to go! We all know how it can be I recently got into a argument with some lady at the grocery store because my son was flapping .....it happens deal with it, but unfortunately he accidentally hit her and she gave home the look of death. I went ballistic, told her would she do that if a child in a wheelchair accidentally ran over her toe? No! He can't help it I told her to get more awareness of autism and walked away.

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  20. Yes to the butt wipes, yes to the incessant reminders. Yes. My poor kid is on my last nerve right now. I love the "flippin' snowflake" snark. :)

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  21. Oh my gosh, you got it right on so many levels. All though my son's primary diagnosis is 18q deletion, he has some autistic traits but also whole range of developmental delays and other problems. He's 12 and is still in diapers because he can't talk, walk, or sit on his own so there is no way he can go on a potty and may never be potty trained and yes, I get looks when we go into the ladies room, me pushing him in his wheel chair with my 7 year old son in toe because it's just me and I'm sorry, there are enough sick people out there who could and would take advantage of a 7 year old being alone in a men's room (something my husband doesn't get). But the looks I get when I'm pushing him in his wheel chair and pulling a full shopping cart behind me are even more priceless. We do what we have to do to get done what we have to get done. Just like any other parent out there.... We adapt, cope and move on..... :-) THANK YOU for wording it so wonderfully

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  22. Love it! I have to take my sone into the ladies room and he is 18. What can you do, screw people that give you a look! They don't get it.

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  23. Fist bump, indeed. I have Irish Triplets (5yr old, 4yr old, 3yr old) and 2 of my kids are on the spectrum. We do it because we don't have time or the energy to think about the "what ifs, what ain't, what could be, what should be, what we could have done, what we did or didn't do". We have to be "in the moment" with them, all the time because that's how we help them. That's where they need us. "I don't know how you do it", it's simple. There is no other choice. You have no idea what you can take and handle until being strong is your only option. Move it on over, Fry Momma. I've brought a couple of solo cups and a pitcher of STRONG margaritas.

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  24. Fist bump, indeed. I have Irish Triplets (5yr old, 4yr old, 3yr old) and 2 of my kids are on the spectrum. We do it because we don't have time or the energy to think about the "what ifs, what ain't, what could be, what should be, what we could have done, what we did or didn't do". We have to be "in the moment" with them, all the time because that's how we help them. That's where they need us. "I don't know how you do it", it's simple. There is no other choice. You have no idea what you can take and handle until being strong is your only option. Move it on over, Fry Momma. I've brought a couple of solo cups and a pitcher of STRONG margaritas.

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  25. I have thoughts. I feel evil for these thoughts. Thoughts like: this isn't what I signed up for; oh god, I can never die; I'm going to be saying 'Take a bite' for the rest of my life; I can't let him go out to play unsupervised, ever; I will here 'Mom! Come wipe my butt' for the next 20 years or more. I feel guilty that my younger son wants to go play with his friend, which means I need to sneak him out of the house so his older brother who isn't capable of playing with said friend doesn't have a melt down. I will forever be apologising to people for him throwing something, playing his iPad too loud at a restaurant, kicking someone, pushing someone, making rude and inappropriate noises. I love my child more than anything. Never was a child so wanted as this one, and I feel guilty that I am not grateful for having a child when so many cannot. It's hard. It's very, very hard. Yes, it can be rewarding, but most nights I am grateful when he has gone to bed and I can drop, exhausted. He doesn't play by himself. Most people with 8 year old children know it can be exhausting - but they don't know the half of it. They don't know what it means when your child demands your attention 24/7 and won't or can't play quietly by himself for more than 5 minutes. Most parents can start being more hands off by the time they reach 8. I've been told to cut the apron strings... oh I WISH. You have no idea how I WISH. Worse? I have an ex who counters every step of progress I try to make with him. I see progress and in one weekend, it's like a huge reset switch is set and I'm back to where I started.

    But what is the absolute worst thing about all of it? Not ever having an outlet to say 'This sucks.' You don't know how I do this? You know what? I don't either - but I didn't get a choice. I didn't sign up for this. It sucks royally and I wish wholeheartedly that I didn't have to do this but he's my flesh and blood and I brought him into this world. I prayed and begged and waited for 12 years to have a child. Do I feel like I got screwed? Absolutely. But that's life.

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    1. I am right there with you. I am a responsible parent that takes care of my 3-year-old daughters needs. But, at times I ask God why he did this to us because it is so hard. We found out she was on the spectrum last November. I have no family support. It's just me & my husband and he works 70 hours a week so that I can take care of her full time at home. But, it gets better. There are also those times when she eats something new or learns a new phrase & uses it in an appropiate way, or she melts my heart by kissing my cheek & grabbing me around the neck to say, "I love you mommy". Then I thank God for her & believe that there is hope & that life goes on no matter what.

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  26. Oh.My.God! You are so on target!!! We do what we do because we are, well, moms. What does what I do for my children make me any better or deserving of praise than what you do for your child? I think you would do the same if it were your kid right? So why the stupid comment? Ugh! Even though I don't have my kids 100% of the time anymore - I know what you are going through and get it in concentrated doses when they are with me. It doesn't even stop on the days when they are with their dad...it never stops.

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  27. I love your posts! But my situation is a little different. My son has mild autism and I get "oh you are so lucky he is mild" Well it doesn't feel mild when he is having a melt down and throwing everything around his room or when he refuses to go to school and the county steps in with therapists that visit your home 8 hours a week. Or he hits you leaving bruises the size of baseballs.
    Yeah I'm lucky I don't have to wipe his butt! Pass the Pinot Grigio!

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  28. Everyday, everyday, everyday... and we get up and do it again. NO pedestal to stand on. No trophies. And one gigantic mess of a home. Through good days and bad we do. And sometimes the ONLY ones who get it are those in similar situations, and those who have honestly and unselfishly stepped up and pitched in so mama (and sometimes mama and dad) can have a night out.

    I am SO glad you posted this.

    We do and we do... only to get up and do it again.

    xoxo

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