Wednesday, October 30, 2013

The wind

Autism in this is house is like the weather.  It can be so unpredictable.  It can be so glorious while at the same time life changing and yes, even damaging.   This morning's event was like a wind gust.  It came out of no where and knocked me on my bum.  In a good way.  (Don't worry about me.  My bum is wide.  It's pretty cushy.)

Waiting for bus at the door like always, with the dog posse in tow.   Kiddo sitting with the iPad, cracking himself up making the "Talking Ben" dog app burp no less than 39 times in a span of a minute.  I'm puttering around on my phone reading the blogs I follow, reading them like my newspaper. A pretty typical scene.  We both know our roles in this play.

The bus starts rumbling down the street and my small dog starts barking her head off as she does every single time when she sees it.  Kiddo closes the iPad and puts on his backpack.   We walk outside and then he goes off script.  Completely.

Kiddo: "I love you!"

He is nine years old and he has never ever said it first.  I often wonder does he really knows what it means or is he just repeating it because he has learned this is some sort of acceptable social convention that moms like to hear.  I still take them as counting because I know I am lucky to hear it.  Not all parents get that.  Today was the first time though that he has ever said it before I did.  He's never spontaneously said it on his own.  Ever.  I almost fainted dead in my driveway.   Which would of been really embarrassing to have the bus to pull up and find me just laying face down on the blacktop.  They probably would of thought I was drunk.  They've seen my recycling bin full of wine bottles.

I whispered back "I love you.  Have such an awesome day Kiddo!" 

This moment is the wind.  I almost want to bottle this moment up for when I need some wind in my sails.  I need memories like this because I know there will be storms coming that will wreck me.  I need to remember what this felt like because like so many things in this life, I don't know if it will ever happen again.  No one can predict which way the wind will blow.  I also want to share this with you who might read it.  Maybe you need to know that this kind of weather can happen.  Maybe it has already and you need to remember what it felt like.  When it lifted you up.   Maybe this hasn't happened yet and of course I can't predict that it will.  Just know when you least expect it, that breeze will come by.  Just when you need it. 


  1. Oh honey, it counts. It counts SO much. And I love that you were able to hear it. This is probably the best of the best from what I've ever read of yours. Love to you.

  2. I love this. I love this so much. I have not yet got the "I love you" first (or even second!) but the other day I said, "Hey, you know I love you, right?" to my bonus son (my girlfriend's son) and he made piercing eye contact and nodded. Wham.

  3. #nodissrespecttobenaffleck
    just realized I came up anonymous and wanted to let you know it was me!

  4. Awwww that's so sweet! Good job kiddo!!!

  5. Thanks for reminding me what a time-stopping, breath-holding, "did he REALLY just say that or did I imagine it?"- moment that first 'I love you' was!