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Thursday, December 26, 2013

Things I no longer wish to hear.

As I tackle a mountain of laundry this morning and wait for yet another doctor's office to call me back, I got some random thoughts bouncing around my head.  So pardon this word explosion.  You might relate or not, which if that's the case, try not to take this as personal but rather educational.  A teachable moment as they say.  

Proving your autism street cred.  Don't tell me as soon as you meet me that your aunt's boyfriend's sister once worked in a summer camp for special needs kids.  I don't care.  I know you're just trying to relate to me.  I know it comes from a good place but please stop.  Trying to prove how down you are to an O.G. ("original gansta" in case you didn't know) like me, isn't working. It's just drawing the line in the sand, driving us further apart.  Let's pretend there is a game called "Six Degrees of Autism Separation".  If your connection is that far removed that they may in fact been in a movie with Kevin Bacon, you're an "autism tourist" in my eyes.  It's all cool that you can dig the culture but I know you're not a local okay? Feel free to ask me for directions but in no way am I the only map around here. 

Let's all just agree that after a certain number of years you get what I call "autism tenure". This is not to say I know it all BUT being told that vaccines may cause autism isn't really news nor does it really help.  My kid is 9.  What would you like me to do with this information?   Go back in time and stop it?  (Which I wouldn't even if I could) Or the fact that I had a c section.  Or older fathers have more autistic kids?  Gee honey, let me go back in time and NOT fall in love with you.  Discussing what may of caused my son's autism isn't exactly what I consider small talk.  It's a serious debate worthy topic.  Most parents I know don't even want to go into it with doctors and professionals because at the end of the day, it really doesn't matter.  It doesn't change the now of our situation.  I'd rather focus on that.  Folks with "autism tenure" are in grave danger of rolling their eyes so hard they get stuck.  So please, you see parents of a teenager with autism, don't ask them if they breast fed their kid.  It doesn't help. 

You know what I want to hear because I know there is someone reading this right getting upset or indignant that I dare even complain what is said to me when it's well meaning?  Nothing.  That's right nothing. You know what you can do. LISTEN.  Listen to what I say and ask questions from that.  Ask thought provoking ones too.  Not just "Why is your kiddo randomly knocking on walls as he paces up and down the hallway? Is he looking for ghosts?" (This was said to me recently. Good times!)   I have no clue why he does and even when I do answer something like that, the answer never seems to satisfies the person.  There's no winning with someone who questions what my kiddo is doing because it's clear to me they just want me to stop him from doing what he is doing.  (which I'm guessing is sensory/coping skill related)  This is not to say if he was kicking holes in the wall, yeah, I'm gonna stop that.  Dude, I'm not dense.  But knocking on a the wall or pacing around at a very crowded gathering of people he doesn't see all that often, is it really hurting you? Or anyone else?  Cut him some slack.  He's only nine.  It's not like he can down a glass of wine or step outside for a smoke break when he needs a breather like you or I might.   I know what the alternative can be, a meltdown.  Trust me, his knocking on the wall is nothing.   Don't question my "autism tenure" here.  I've done my years here with him.  You haven't. 

I said it recently on my Facebook page in response to a question about extended family gatherings,  "They want a Norman Rockwell painting for their family gathering.  We don't live a Norman Rockwell life"  It's just what it is.  It's especially maddening for me because I don't even have any neurotypical kiddos and I can draw from that experience.  Like this is the only life I know.  Good lord, if one got dropped off on my doorstep hitting milestones and reading at grade level, well, I wouldn't even know where to begin with that.  My house is like living in the movie "Groundhog Day".  We do it the same way, every day or there is HELL TO PAY!

Now pardon me as I go fold these incredibly long jeans.  Damn, as the kiddo gets bigger, the laundry just gets more insane.  I thought that would ease up but it didn't.  Groundhog Day moment once again! ;-)








17 comments:

  1. Thank you! Thank you so very much! ♥

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  2. They want a Rockwell painting but we live in an Escher world. Fun times.

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  3. Love it!! I hate playing the Autism 20..... people question everything to the point of obnoxiousness.

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  4. Every damn day. Just before school break, I had a school official lecture me about getting my son more "mainstream " and handle his homework better. After about 2 minutes of such ranting- I told her to shut up.

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    1. My son's teacher seems to be on a mission to prove that not doing his homework (drawing a big x through the page for example) is a parenting issue not an autism issue. Her main point being that when she threatens to keep him in at recess his homework gets done...which is true, but it comes at a price...perhaps I should invite her over to fix the hole he made in the bathroom door while getting homework done.

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  5. I think my fb friends are growing tired of me sharing your posts with YES THIS!!! attached to it. You get it right everytime and I love reading your posts.

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  6. Love your honesty, and your humor is priceless. Your kiddo sounds so much like my 7 yr. old grandson. Your FB page is wonderful. Thank you for all the wonderful links you share....................most helpful. Happy New Year to all the Fries...:)

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  7. My 3-year-old has ASD. I was recently talking with a 21 year old Aspie and he mentioned that he was conceived through IVF. When I told him my son was also an IVF baby he sarcastically said, "maybe that's what caused it." Then we both laughed and laughed and laughed. Great post Mama Fry.

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  8. My 3-year-old has ASD. I was recently talking with a 21 year old Aspie and he mentioned that he was conceived through IVF. When I told him my son was also an IVF baby he sarcastically said, "maybe that's what caused it." Then we both laughed and laughed and laughed. Great post Mama Fry.

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  9. Omg you express what I feel but don't no how to say in words I get that to haveing autism an being older other say dumb things to u they. Think will make you feel they have greed an understanding it never come out ,good .like I don't want you to say how it Aldo hard for u to be in some store.an u no how I feel or like u say they no someone with autism an so an so .an the one that drive me crazy is I pray for you or your a gift from god what the Hack dose that mean .when I met a parent with a child with autism .out at mall I usly laying att to the kid .i will say I have autism so that how I new your child dose to but I never assume we are same .unless they start telling me about there child sn ask me qustion an I can say yes I was like that or still am an this is what help mr ,but I only can speak from what I deal with .but I just wish other new how dumb they sound when they try to say. Oh me to or everyone like that .so one time I was able to get my thought out good an said oh do you cry or feel like your going to have meltdown in the store .no .ugg love your stuff

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  10. Can I share this post I need to send it to a few who need to hear what you are saying

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  11. What a marvelous, poignant, brilliant take on what goes on daily in our lives. Thank you thank you thank you

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  12. Wow...I never knew just how hard the life of an Auti Mom could be. I admire U

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  13. OMG YES!! WOO HOO!!! Yes my Aunt asked me why my daughter was PACING on her tippy toes over christmas... AND THEN WOOOH the "i know so much about this let me tell you why and how to stop it" came flooding out... followed by my PFFFT ing her.. screaming at her that she KNEW nothing of the sort and NO you dont know why she does what she does heck even the specialists she sees WHO are studied in the area of this disorder DONT KNOW why she does half of hat she does... so WHEN I glare at you... roll my eyes at you..grind my teeth at you ( oh yes this is a new EXPRESSION i find myself doing) you either better A shut the heck up or B tursn around shut the heck up and run! Ignorance DOESNT live in my world... I DONT have any time left in my already busy schedule to slot it in! SO I am getting her and myself a shirt each made for our NEXT extended family christmas gathering.. hers..I DO IT COS I LIKE... mine..SHE DOES IT COS SHE IS UNIQUE! I dont know.. my 90 year old grandmother gets it... my mums sisters... i really could load two of the three in a bus and release the hand break over a cliff.... IF i had time to do that!

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  14. THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU, for saying it out loud!!! :) It's even harder, when it's someone who has been a "friend" for years! You just want to scream! :) My standard response anymore..."Before you comment, walk a mile in my shoes!" :)

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