I am toast.
I am burnt out.
I am done and yet I am not. I simply don't have that option. However, I can take my own advice and throw myself a pity party. Won't you please come? No gift required and the dress code is pajama casual.
This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me. Three rather big outlets all shared the same post of mine. It's since been shared a crapload (yes, that is a standard unit of measurement) of times. My email inbox filled. A ton of new people liked my page. A bunch of new folks started following me on Twitter including the OG (Orignal Gangsta) autism advocate Dr. Temple Grandin herself. I still can't even wrap my head around it all.
Despite all this really cool stuff, I'm just sad. The week my Kiddo has not been doing well at all. He's fine at school but just falls apart once he is home. He is so full of rage. There is no other way to describe it. He's back to throwing things and going after our dogs. Grabbing me by the wrist and just screaming like a banshee. The usual things that have worked before for managing his behavior are now not working. I will be making a phone call to his doctor on Monday and I guess it might be time for a medication change or dosage switch or exorcism. I'm not really sure. I'm really willing to try anything at this rate.
Yesterday afternoon I drove past a local school that was holding some sort of sports camp on it's field. Typical scene of a bunch of mini vans and SUV moms dropping off their kids. The kids running toward each other, laughing and screaming. The moms all wearing sunglasses, chatting and clutching iced coffees. There I was driving home with the kiddo from a therapy and it just really slapped me in the face how that is so not us. How it has never been us and just when I think I don't care, I do. I wish it was us and it won't ever be. It made me cry. It made me cry just because I was crying. So I cried harder and the snot was just blubbering down my face. I looked like a nutter staring at these other families.
I can usually regroup from these moments but this week has nearly done me in. It's hard to find the humor or the silver lining when the hits keep coming. Honest to God, the only thing that's been helping me stay afloat this week is the good that's been happening with my online stuff. At the end of the day it doesn''t pay the bills but it's been one of the only thing keeping me from going off the rails completely, my little online family. Tomorrow I was suppose to be taking my kid to a science museum and now I am not. There is just no way I can chance it. This behavior of his is unpredictable and he's getting too big to take out into public when an epic meltdown is just hovering. Just like Kenny Rogers sings, "You got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em." Dragging him through a museum I wasn't sure he would like in the first place, on a Sunday afternoon in the summer, and packed with people is not the jackpot I'm willing to gamble on. Nope. No way. No how.
Tonight I lick the frosting off a cupcake and my wounds. Tonight I indulge in some mindless TV on in the background and one of my dogs laying across my feet. I'll go to bed after I post this. I will take my own dose of melatonin and go to sleep.
Most importantly, I will try again tomorrow.