Wednesday, January 28, 2015

Why does it have to be so hard?

"You got to take it as it comes.  Sometimes it don't come easy"

Stevie Nicks Sometimes It's a Bitch 

If my life as an autism mom had a theme song, the above would be it.  Because I have yet to meet a thing on this earth that is more complex, complicated and down right exhausting like autism is to me. Autism isn't just a bitch.  Sometimes autism makes me its bitch. Not gonna lie. Getting really tired of it.

This week Mother Nature decided life at French Fry Inc was too boring.  Too routine.  So she decided that all the snow on the planet needed to fall directly on my house.  Okay maybe it didn't but a lot fell.  Enough to warrant an early dismissal on Monday and no school Tuesday.  Wednesday is till up in the air and I wouldn't be at all surprised if we wound up with a delayed opening. (Update: we do!)

The kiddo, for the most part, has been kind of, sort of, how to put it... a giant screeching banshee howler monkey possessed by Satan.  Or rambunctious.  One or the other.  From the moment he woke up.  This is not a "Go out and play" kid.  This is a "Watch every damn minute" kid.  All over the damn place.  Tons of sensory and attention seeking. Redirecting every ten seconds. Gobs of fun. NOT!

Husband is home trying to "work', which is delightful at this point in our autism game that he thinks he will ever have the quiet to do so.  Babe, I love you but it will never happen. I'm sure your secretary finds listening to your dictations later with the kiddo and the dogs in the background acting like a three ring circus rather amusing though. I feel guilty that I cannot keep the kiddo busy enough for you to get some serious work done.

And this being the cruise director for activities?  I am so flipping done with it.  It's constant.  I'm effing tired.  I don't want to watch the same YouTube clips of bus safety inspections anymore.  I am can't stand being engaged only to find out he wants me to play my part in some script from a conversation he heard three years ago.  I know he finds enjoyment out of it but it bores the living piss out of me.

I try to dance with what life has to hand me. 

I really do but I have hit my autism quota this week and it's only Wednesday. The two hundred and fifty two steps of the bedtime routine.  The item of food he cannot get enough on a Monday but then decide on Tuesday he will never touch again.  The constant scripting of "Gentle with the dogs" rule only to be rough with them five seconds later.  The extra fun bad habit of cursing he picked up from me.  A constant reminder of yet another failure I have achieved as a parent. Oh and my son deciding that his sensory pressure needs can only be fulfilled by being physically aggressive towards me.  That's a peach.

Basically, autism you are kicking my ass this week.  Ease the eff up!!

Pardon me while I hide under a blanket today with the remote until the boy comes how and I get to do this all over AGAIN.

And pardon me if I don't see autism as some sort of wonderful gift because it's not.  Right now, autism can go suck it.


  1. We all have days, weeks, months, even entire years like this. You're right, Autism SUCKS! However, our children are GIFTS filled with blessings and love. Try to take joy in his every smile, and when your fed up and mad as hell, take a deep breath, hug him tight, and tell him (and yourself) that you love him more than everything else in this world. It's hard to see the rainbow when lightening is striking- but it IS there, you just have to look harder. Take time under those blankets for yourself, buy something just for YOU, go out with a friend, whatever, just take some time to focus on YOU for a couple hours and remind yourself of what an awesome mother you are (even if you son DOES curse like a trucker lol) and how much your family loves and needs you. You have a thousand Ausome moms backing you up, here's one who's also sending you a virtual hug and compassion!

  2. I know I don't have the right words to help or make things easier, so I'll just second your wish for autism to "ease the eff up!"

  3. Is this me writing this. This is the only blog post I have ever read that I can relate to. Why can't there be more people out there who gets it? What in the hell is with all the stupid autism butterfly pictures with the encouraging quotes I am sick of this b.s. stupid fluffed up, candy coated autism, pant load. Go away you stupid smiling selfies with your kid. I needed to read this. How can I always feel exhausted? How do these moms sit around and put on make up? If I tried, either the toilet would be flooded, the stove would be on fire, the cat would be choked to death (while kiddo is scripting to be soft with kitty) or he would be out the front door and down the street. THIS IS REALITY.

    1. You are so not alone! I am riding the SAME boat with you! When I read this article, I did the same..."is this ME writing this?"

  4. You're blog has helped me so many times , so this is me in my own tiny way trying to give back :
    Autism sucks sometimes.Sucks big! Hugs to you mama fry and hope it gets better.With my own little fry, sometimes a week of suckitude precedes new developmental leaps forward, so hoping that's the case in your situation too.But above all - sending tons of love and some warm sunshine from here in Cali!

  5. And don't you just love it when people say.....but imagine what its like for him. Sometimes you want to be selfish and have SOMEONE....ANYONE....see how rough it is on you. I get it.

  6. My husband and I have used that exact same phrase...sometimes autism makes us its much description in that little phrase. So much I can relate to in your posts - thanks for keeping a sense of humor about what can be a really difficult life to live some days. And thanks for sharing it with the rest of us!

  7. This week has been the same and the sad part is, my kid's routine has not changed in the least. We're in Texas, the weather is great. All activities are a GO!! Teachers say he's great during his school day (Thank God) but at home, he's giving me the blues. Particularly in the mornings. Autism is def winning this week.

  8. I'm not a mom, so I can't really relate to this particular situation per se, but I know what it's like to feel like the universe is conspiring to drive you insane. It sucks. *sending cyberhugs and prayers your way* Hang in there. :)

  9. On days like that (and we all have them, days, weeks, months...) I try to go into his room after he's asleep and kiss his sweet, quiet, still, beautiful face. Its the ONLY time he's still and quiet. Reminds me why I keep getting up day after day after day just to do the same crap all over again. Rinse and repeat. Hang in there Mama Fry! I see a good day in your future. :)

  10. As an autistic student, I can (sort of) relate. I try not to let things like anxiety get to me, but they sometimes do. It's kind of like hitting your knee on a foothold irrelevant to your route. Some people have 5.5s to send and others have 5.15s. Indoor rock climbing is one of my obsessions.

  11. Oh babe. I have 2 that do the same thing. I feel ya sister!

  12. This too shall pass. I use to repeat this to myself on many occasions. I spent many days where you are right now. I remember thinking that I couldn't make it through the next ten minutes let alone the next twenty-four hours. However, I did and you will as well. My son is 23 now and he lives in his own house with two support staff with him 24/7. I am able to go and visit him all the time and I am now able to enjoy my time with him, instead of just trying to survive it. Gone from my house are the security systems and the plexi-glass window coverings. My furniture and pictures are no longer screwed to the walls and floors. I just wanted to let you know that it does get better and that you will make it through this. Take care of yourself, you've got this!

  13. i get in my "why me" moods as well. Especially when i cant find reliable sitters. Or family who cant watch my son because he is not potty trained (he is 16, 200lbs). But he is your family? Think about how i feel sometimes. i must admit, its never my son par say but the situation. Hugs and patience parents.

  14. You are awesome and I absolutely hear you, some days just suck. Your blog and your words have helped Me so many Times, just today I read o,e of your blogs about depression and it helped me realize it's time to do something to make me feel better. Keep it up Mamma Fry, y i u don't realize how your words help us all ❤

  15. Just wanted you to know I gave you kudos in a recent blog post. No need to pass it forward. Just bask in the praise.