Congratulations to me! I officially cannot physically manage my child out of an area if he's having a meltdown! He's gotten too big and much too strong! Yay!! Let me go put that down in his baby book that I stopped filling out when it became way to painful for me to face that page off all the stuff he should have been doing at two that he wasn't. Wait a second, there's not a space for that. Marketing opportunity!
Maybe it ought to be some "life event" you could tag your friends who helped you carry your kid out of the dirt and to your car. Folks could give it a "like". Wouldn't that be awesome?! Mark Zuckerberg, get on that already.
Yesterday's outing was a shit show. I have never been more scared, frightened and mortified at once. I wasn't even sure those feelings could combine like they did but here's my Kiddo proving me wrong again at the EPIC meltdown he had at a birthday party.
I have never experienced anything like it. It went from "Yay party!" to "Oh my god I'm going to have to call 911 because what the fuck else do I do?" in about two minutes. I still have no idea what triggered it. It was the exact same party he had a fantastic time at last year. Same place. Same people. Same everything and it still wasn't enough. I'm sure some person right now is judging me thinking THEY know what I did to screw it up. To them I say, "FUCK OFF and you're free to come get him."
Because the worst feeling I have right now is shame. I am so ashamed at his behavior, my behavior because I was in tears and just shamed at being ashamed. I'm shamed inception. I'm meta shamed.
This party was for a friend's four year old daughter. We were surrounded by toddlers. He couldn't stay. We're now hitting the milestone of his meltdowns being a danger to others. Add that moment to my memory book. Fun!
Driving him home was no walk in the park either. He was still raging for hours. He lashed out at my husband and at myself multiple times. I just don't know what to do at the moment. It's the next day and he's all "La Di Da!" now but I'm not. I feel like I'm walking around gripping tightly to a hand grenade that I lost the pin too.
He's only getting older and bigger. I'm only getting older.
These are the milestones no one talks about. When our autistic kids stop being cute and little, then what? It's not so cute anymore. It's not just a nod and a hug and thinking "Oh he's just having a hard time."
If my two girlfriends weren't with me, I don't know what I would have done. This is the future for us? Really?
My choices are to just shake this off and try again. Or live like a hermit and never leave the house. Right now, moving to a convent by myself to be a nun is looking like a appealing option at the moment.
I can accept my son's autism but no, I can't accept that this is our life from now on. I won't. I refuse. I have to figure this out. We can't live like this. He deserves more than that. I'm not sure what I am going to do and I don't expect to figure it out all at once. I just don't want to meet anymore of these milestones anymore.
I can't find the right words Mama Fry... I just want you to know though, I have read this and I am thinking of you. I have faith that you, your husband and the Kiddo will find a way of dealing with each new milestone together.
ReplyDeleteSending you and your family all the love in the world........
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(Hugs) My son is 10 now. Getting way to big for me to pick up and haul a$$. I'm sorry.
ReplyDeleteI don't have any response or advice or answer. I just want to post this so you know I read this and it moved me profoundly.
ReplyDeleteBig hugs. I feel your despair. Many times I've sat in the psychologists office on the verge of a break down from days like that. With them wanting to up the anti depressants for me. I say to her "I don't need drugs, I need someone who is going to bloody help me sort out what to do about my son!!!". I leave again with more despair and anxiety as I wonder what I will have to endure next!!!
ReplyDeleteAs much as their is autism acceptance,the reality is I am in fear of my son growing up.I do not look forward to his transition to adulthood. My son too is just getting bigger and I am terrified of what puberty may bring. Our children (and us) have already been through so many challenges,when do they(and we) get a break?-Sorry about the rambling,this is something that I have been thinking about too-thank you for expressing it so eloquently:)
ReplyDeleteBig hugs to you. I don't have any solutions for you I'm afraid. If I had that magic wand I'd be waving it like crazy. I hope someone smarter than me has come solutions for you.
ReplyDeleteMy 3 year old is already too rough with my daughters (10 and 13). I don't know what to do...how do people deal with this? I'm sorry...
ReplyDeleteI read this post and my heart felt your shame and anger. You're human, not a robot. I hope that very soon that your trials with your son will be easier. Hugs and no judgments here.
ReplyDeleteGot it. Nothing worse then staring straight ahead during a "situation", because if you look left or right you'll lose it. For me, another's kindness is what sends me over the edge. I can hold it together so long as I don't have to acknowledge what's going on. The moment help from a stranger is offered.... I'm gone. Part shame, embarrassment, and complete loss of what to do. Then... a moment alone, cup of coffee....push it aside and keep it moving.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry. I fear this - it's a while to go - I can still pick him up and carry him, even if he kicks & screams - it's not pretty & I sometimes wonder if CPS is on people's minds, but at 40 pounds & still under 4' tall, it's still possible. Been spending an ugly amount of time wondering what kind of older child, adolescent & adult he's going to turn out to be, with his lack of patience, short fuse, rigidity, and need for expectations to always be fulfilled completely. You need not be ashamed, but I understand why you feel that way. It's sort of unavoidable, I think. Hugs & more hugs.
ReplyDeleteI read this and was transported back two years ago to my own Armageddon at CVS where I was damn sure the woman in the car next to us was calling the cops on me as I tried to get him back in his carseat. And yes, even at ten he was stronger than me. I so get the part about him seeming fine the next day but you're not. You deserve chocolate AND wine!
ReplyDeleteI understand this feeling. I get tired of people telling me I need to do more self-care. I know that. Help me figure out how to get my 14 year old to not pick her nose (and eat its contents) so that her peers don't snicker and laugh and avoid like the plague - THAT would help.
ReplyDeleteBig, big hugs. You are not alone.
ReplyDeleteYour love and determination are evident in every post. Each new day and new phase means that it's ALL new, and sometimes scary, sometimes funny, sometimes sad. Thank you for being an honest voice for so many families. I have faith that you will find solutions for this too.
ReplyDeleteI have a 23 year old who struggles with sensory overload and then has meltdown. Other people stare , sneer, and make comments like "why does she let him walk all over her?" or "She should just MAKE him do what she wants>." To them I say this....
ReplyDeleteLiving with an adult child with aspergers. Well what can I say but very interesting and trying at times. No one understands what its like and why I “allow him to use me” like this. I get looks of disgust and comments about how he should get a job, get out on his own and how I baby him too much. Have you ever had to deal with a 20 year old in full massive meltdown. If not you don’t understand and never will.
Try putting sandpaper in your underwear and keeping it there all day. You are not allowed to remove it. You cannot scratch and you must not tell anyone about it. While doing all of this 100 people are asking you for your name, phone number, address, DOB and your parents names, DOB, and phone number…. All at the same time. Oh yea, you have to eat the most disgusting food in the world, worms covered in mud and snot. You cannot complain, and you must eat it or else you will have to sit there til you do. Nobody is allowed to help you, nobody can make it stop, and you have to deal with this all by yourself.
Let’s see if you breakdown and have emotional , physical, and mental meltdown.
Again I feel the similarities. In my case it was an Autism Society event and it went from "Yay Bounce House" to another child covered in blood gushing from his nose in 2 minutes. It was that day that I too realized he is too big, too strong and I am too fat and weak. We too have reached that point of not being able to continue living in a house where we are afraid of our 9-year old son. We are doing a little better at preventing the meltdowns from even beginning but when they do, we have resorted to having to hold him (I take his arms, dad takes his legs) until it's over. It's horrible but my house is falling apart, I have holes in the walls and doors that won't shut, and I am tired of being covered in scratches and bruises. Hugs to you dear stranger with such similar circumstances. We are all in this together!
ReplyDeleteMy daughter broke my nose last spring, 6 mos. after breaking my wrist. Although she is small for age, she is 13. I am 50. We have a new med cocktail on board, and the nice conversation a police officer had with her freaked her out enough to make an impression, but in the back of my mind I know what's possible. It's one of the many things that keeps me up at night.
ReplyDeleteMama Fry, thanks for all you do to educate about Team Quirky. As an educator, I appreciate these glimpses into your reality and will try to learn from you how to best support kids and their families. You and your words are appreciated! Thanks for all that you do.
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