I can't enjoy progress.

Put me in a time out.  Give me a social story.  I am seriously ridiculous.  My Kiddo has been making some progress and I'm sitting here thinking of all the stuff he still isn't able to do.  What the Hell is the matter with me?  That's stupid right?  Why can't I just enjoy what he can do instead of obsessing on what he can't?

Take for example his last haircut.  Now, we have come a long way from the Wrestlemania event it used to be.  One where I would hear the audible sigh from the salon staff when I called to make an appointment at the one kid's salon in the area that specialized in moving targets.  (Let's just say our picture was up in several shops as Persona Non Grata.) It took a lot of time.  Lots of prompts.  Lots of bribes.  We have finally gotten to that place of "I will tolerate this because I will get a highly motivating reward after."

I mention he needs one while we're out and he's game to it.  So since we are in the shopping plaza where he now gets it done as I am mean and won't take him to the kid's place anymore because he can no longer stuff his 11 year old butt in the race car seat, I throw caution to the wind and walk in with him.  Maybe we'll only have a little wait.  I'll hand him my phone.  We'll script a bit.  We'll get through it.

But apparently that day was "Take your kid to get a haircut" day. I didn't get the memo and the joint was jammed. There is no turning around and leaving with this kiddo because once we say we're doing something, it's carved in autism stone.  Well, looks like it's a teachable moment for him on waiting and we'll bring some autism awareness up in this shop today.  Multitasking! I love it.

However, the gods of fate laughed in my general direction.  Despite a lot of people working and a sign up sheet, no one seemed to understand the concept of who goes next.  Combine this with the general noise of three different tv sets going (Just how many different ESPNs does one need?), the Kiddo starts scripting and making lots of stim noises to cope.  Ain't it something how his coping skill to loud noises is to in fact make even more loud noises himself?

It's not long before all eyes are on us.  When folks think they're being slick by slowly moving away from us, lest they catch the autism. It's viral, dontcha know?  "Just getting a new magazine. Oh I will just sit WAY over here now instead."

I stiffen my spine. Chin up. Tits out and just keep talking to the Kiddo.  Trying to keep him calm. I can't carry him out of here.  We are long past those days.

And I'd be lying if the thought of "Dude if you could do me a solid here, chill your mofo noises a notch.  It's like when I want to use the blender and you hate that noise. The noises you're making are making me a bit batty now."  didn't cross my mind.  Like just this once, just sit there.  Like any other kid.

Eventually we do get called for his turn and he gets his favorite girl cutting it.  He does it like a champ.  He even engages in some appropriate conversation.  We pay. I tip generously.  I am glad to get the heck out of there.

I should just be happy that haircuts aren't a problem anymore.  That's huge!  Yet here I am, pissed off that we can't even wait for a haircut without autism making itself very loudly known.   I hate that.  I hate that I am still not okay with all parts of autism and I hate that I will have these moments all the time.  That I can't even enjoy the big progress moments because I am so hung up on the dopey little ones.

What can I say?  I'm a bit of a holy hot mess that way. ;-)