I worry about the Kiddo. A lot. He is creeping up to twelve soon (EEK!) and while he doing some things that would would expect a twelve year old boy to do, he is doing so many other things where the average person is like "Wait...what with this???"
And I feel a lot of shame over noticing the stuff that just doesn't matter. So that makes me feel like even extra shameful that I am embarrassed by some of the stuff he does or is into.
And I am a proud member of #TeamQuirky. I just should not care what others think but I also know the world sure doesn't work that way all the time.
The last six months or so the Kiddo has become down right obsessed all over again with all things Blue's Clues, Thomas the Tank Engine, Backyardigans, The Wiggles, pretty much the whole Noggin channel era of TV. Thanks to YouTube, those shows never die. I'm not sure why at this age he's ALL IN with this stuff. It could be that he finally has the language comprehension to follow it. I'm happy he enjoys watching it. Certainly gives me a twenty two minute break if he's deep into an episode of Blue's Clues trying to solve the mystery before Steve ever does. He'll even play pretend with his own mini notebooks around the house recreating the episode, line for line. It's like living "Murder, She Wrote."
Steve, you're going places. College however, isn't one of them.
But outside of the house, yeah, that's when Shame pops up. Cause he's deep in his world of cartoons and expecting all around him to be exactly right there with him. The average kid his age is not. Even the most understanding adult we encounter usually isn't ever aware of what he might be scripting about.
And this is when I see how NOT ready for the world he is and I feel a ton of shame because as his mom, that's my job and my fault.
And here we are all these years trying so damn hard with him to get him ready and he so isn't there.
And I feel shame every time I have to act as his interpreter, explaining to all we meet what it is that he means. They hear him singing "Dorothy the Dinosaur" at the top of his lungs but it just means he's very happy at that moment and chooses to express it in song by Australians kid musicians, as you do.
And I feel shame every time I have to explain to him "Time and place, Kiddo. Time and place." because I find myself getting annoyed at him doing these things. I want him to be himself but there are social norms. Like it or not. As much as I would love to just sing all the live long day too, it's not how the real world works.
And I feel shame that I simply don't take a page out of the Kiddo's own book. I need to not give a crap like he does.
Does this look like the face of a Kiddo that gives a crap about what other's think of him? I think not.
I feel shame about shame and that's when I start thinking "Shame is such bullshit." In situations like this one, it's completely worthless.
If I focus so much on what the world won't like about my Kiddo, I won't get to see it for the things they will love about him. I don't want to miss that. Shame makes you miss the good stuff. I've already missed enough. I don't want to miss anymore. I won't miss anymore.