You ever sit back when you get a free moment and just think how surreal all this autism parenting stuff is? Like when you're on the floor of your kid's room in the dark waiting for the melatonin to kick in. Or you're prompting your ten year old to stop repeating the verbal stim "No repeating!". It's moments like that where I have to take a deep breath and go into my mental vault of good bankable moments with my kiddo to get me through it.
We're back from vacation and it was kind of good. Well, the destinations were good, the travel, Oy Vey. My husband's car air conditioner decided to stop working and did I mention we were traveling during 90 degree heat? As we love to road trip, a large portion of this vacation was the journey and that journey felt like riding in a sweaty sauna with a crying child. One who decided that every exit on the highway must be THE exit because he just wanted this road trip to be OVER. I seriously thought at one point he would of considered going to the mall as the vacation destination because at least it would be climate controlled there.
I can't really get mad at the kid for being miserable. We were too but I'm not going to lie. Being that hot and uncomfortable PLUS listening to him build his meltdown up was my mental undoing this week. Does your kid do that? Like you can just see the meltdown building and building till it just reaches it's peek? And I'm there desperately trying to keep him calm and talk him down from it. It gets to a point of no return and I just think "Oh fuck it. We're in it now. Just scream." because I'm out of ideas and there are no solutions to be had. Sometimes my kiddo just needs to wail and get it out of his system. As much as my mom gut tells me to try to defuse the situation before it gets ugly, it also tells me when there's really no saving it.
So there we were for many days of driving, sweating and screaming. I'm worried about the kiddo. I'm worried about my husband who has to try to concentrate on driving. I feel like I failed my kiddo because I can't calm him down and I have failed my husband because I can't be a good co pilot and keep the situation to a dull roar in the car.
I was feeling pretty wiped out by the end of it. The hubby and I made a point of tagging each other out a few times while at the resort to get some mental recharge breaks. He went off to mountain bike. I took the kiddo to a movie in the basement of the hotel which we had to ourselves so it was like an awesome private screening. The boy and I scripted the whole movie back and forth to each other and laughed a lot. Kind of helped erase the journey from my mind. Later that night, I left my tired husband on the patio with a cocktail and took the kiddo to the pool. Again, we had it to ourselves. We goofed. We splashed. We laughed. Couldn't help but think to myself how I better remember this. I needed to put this in my memory bank. I would need it and I did. I needed to call it up not a day later when I twisted my ankle and fell flat on my face at the hotel dining room. I needed to remember there was good in this trip.
I need to remember there is good in this life. As freaking hard as it is, it's not non stop misery. It's hard. It can suck but there is good in it. Everyday.
Husband wants to road trip again in August. Here's hoping the AC will be fixed and I'll get a lot more bankable moments for rough times ahead.