Saturday, July 26, 2014


I am toast.

I am burnt out.

I am done and yet I am not.  I simply don't have that option.  However, I can take my own advice and throw myself a pity party.  Won't you please come?  No gift required and the dress code is pajama casual.

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions for me.  Three rather big outlets all shared the same post of mine.  It's since been shared a crapload (yes, that is a standard unit of measurement) of times.  My email inbox filled.  A ton of new people liked my page.  A bunch of new folks started following me on Twitter including the OG (Orignal Gangsta) autism advocate Dr. Temple Grandin herself.  I still can't even wrap my head around it all.

Despite all this really cool stuff, I'm just sad.  The week my Kiddo has not been doing well at all.  He's fine at school but just falls apart once he is home. He is so full of rage.  There is no other way to describe it.  He's back to throwing things and going after our dogs.  Grabbing me by the wrist and just screaming like a banshee.  The usual things that have worked before for managing his behavior are now not working.  I will be making a phone call to his doctor on Monday and I guess it might be time for a medication change or dosage switch or exorcism.  I'm not really sure.  I'm really willing to try anything at this rate.

Yesterday afternoon I drove past a local school that was holding some sort of sports camp on it's field.  Typical scene of a bunch of mini vans and SUV moms dropping off their kids.  The kids running toward each other, laughing and screaming.  The moms all wearing sunglasses, chatting and clutching iced coffees.  There I was driving home with the kiddo from a therapy and it just really slapped me in the face how that is so not us.  How it has never been us and just when I think I don't care, I do.  I wish it was us  and it won't ever be. It made me cry. It made me cry just because I was crying.  So I cried harder and the snot was just blubbering down my face.  I looked like a nutter staring at these other families.

I can usually regroup from these moments but this week has nearly done me in.  It's hard to find the humor or the silver lining when the hits keep coming. Honest to God, the only thing that's been helping me stay afloat this week is the good that's been happening with my online stuff.  At the end of the day it doesn''t pay the bills but it's been one of the only thing keeping me from going off the rails completely, my little online family.  Tomorrow I was suppose to be taking my kid to a science museum and now I am not.  There is just no way I can chance it.  This behavior of his is unpredictable and he's getting too big to take out into public when an epic meltdown is just hovering.  Just like Kenny Rogers sings, "You got to know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em."  Dragging him through a museum I wasn't sure he would like in the first place, on a Sunday afternoon in the summer, and packed with people is not the jackpot I'm willing to gamble on. Nope. No way.  No how.

Tonight I lick the frosting off a cupcake and my wounds.  Tonight I indulge in some mindless TV on in the background and one of my dogs laying across my feet.  I'll go to bed after I post this.  I will take my own dose of melatonin and go to sleep.

Most importantly, I will try again tomorrow.


  1. Oh honey, you are not alone. I have felt this way so many times I can't even count them. It's hard, living the life we do. People have no idea. But I know you wouldn't change who the kiddo is. Hold on to those "I love you" moments you thought you wouldn't hear. He loves you and feels safe with you, that's part of why you catch the brunt of it all. I have been there and I am sure I will be again. So will you. Just keep on keeping on and have a glass of wine. You are not alone.

  2. Been like that for me this week too, plus a visit from the inlaws, minus the blog stuff. Congrats on that at least, and keep on keepin' on.

  3. I go through a lot of the same things as you. I have those moments of weekness and I feel defeated. What helps me get through is that little time to myself and my church family. If it wasn't for them I may have been in the hospital with my As for this week the one thing I have been doing over the last few yous is I take my kiddo off his meds for a month so his body can reset. I do not know if that will work for you but its just a thought. Also if your kiddo likes to draw or build... Legos and a lot of colored pencils and pens are a must in my house.... But then again sometimes a breakdown and a good cry is what you may need too. Hang in there. I love reading your posts and am so happy that you were suggested to me... You are strong and I have Faith that you will get through it. So enjoy your frosting and TV and have a wonderful night of sleep. :-)

  4. I can't say anything but hang in for the ride. We all have days, weeks, and months like this. My kiddo wants to play Jr High Basketball. I know he can't. I know he can't handle the stress. I don't want him to get made fun of, but he thinks I am a big "meanie" for not letting him play.
    We need days to regroup, readjust schedules and plans. We need a total "check out" day where no one needs anything from us. Does it happen? Sometimes. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can call and say "I need a break, can you watch him for a couple of hours?" One of those is a special needs music teacher and she just gets my kid. The other is a coworker, who seems to be able to handle his anxiety and scattered thinking. Other than that, all the people that say, call when you need us, seem to disappear when we need something.
    I don't say God gave us these kids because he knew we could handle it. I hate it when people say "he is lucky to have you". I want people to see the stress and issue that we deal with on a daily, hourly, or even minute by minute basis.
    So, hang on for the ride, lock yourself in the house for a few days, try to catch a break if possible, if not... give in, let him watch tv or play video games all day. It won't hurt him to do it every once in a while.

  5. Have a good sleep.
    Can Kiddo go to Granny Fry's for a bit tomorrow and vacuum while you watch RHONJ?

  6. Do a favor for me please.... please put your right hand on your left shoulder.... now please put your left hand on your right shoulder... now squeeeeeze. ... a long distance hug from us to you.

  7. Aw :-( these moments sneak up on us and it seems to fall apart in our hearts, it's often seeing something like what you saw in the park that does it too, it's like a slap in the face of what isn't and what won't be. I wish I could give you a cuddle. Hopefully next week will be better, in the ;-)

  8. Thinking good thoughts your way. It will cycle around. Better days are coming around. Chin up, Buttercup.

  9. Oh, Mama Fry, I am so with you! My son has been like that through ESY! Particularly on Mondays and Tuesdays, EPIC meltdowns after school. After the second week, I finally rolled the dice and took him and his sister to a brand new Wendy's near us after school - like INSIDE. They had a faux fireplace stuck in the wall, and he was mesmerized. I bought him some nuggets and fries and lemonade and let him wander a bit, though he was kind of blocked in to a certain grouping of chairs. It was a change of scenery, and he was happy with his little bit of freedom. It did the trick for a couple of days. I'm not sure if it was a change in routine, or what, but he has just been moodier in the afternoons lately. He is out of ESY now, and he's had a couple of barn-burner meltdowns, but they seem to be less frequent. I understand about seeing other families doing things. I get bummed when someone tells me, "Oh you should take him to our dentist! My 4-year old didn't even flinch when I took her. They're so gentle." In my head I'm thinking, you have no clue, do you?

    Chin up. Tomorrow is another day, and you can just keep on keepin' on. Congratulations on all the blogosphere awesomeness! Super exciting. And I really think that one day it WILL make you money, honey! You're fantastic!

    ~ Bridget

  10. Oh God, I think I know how you are crying reading this, not for myself but for my 19 yr old son who has never once had anyone call to the door just to see him or ask him to come out for any reason. Yet if any kid even says "hi" to him, that is his friend. Granted, there are quite a few teens in my town I wouldn't want him anywhere near, but to be his sole companion is heartbreaking. We don't have the resources in Ireland that you guys have in the US, so I have no idea what will happen when he leaves school next year. I wish you and your family the very best, you deserve it as do all our ASD kids xx

    1. Your son isn't entitled to friends -- nobody is!

      We're all entitled to be treated politely (as it stops the world from descending into anarchy) and kindly. Period.

      That's the minimum required by the social contract. Everything else is gravy.

      If your son wants friends or someone to hang out with, well, is he fun? Interesting? Smart? Folks hang around people the enjoy.

  11. I cried as I read this too. Just like the others who've commented, I have been there too. Looking at the little girls in ballet classes and thinking that will never be my kiddo. But one day I decided not believe the things I was telling myself "that will never be us" "she can't do that". She loves to dance and can imitate movements just by watching someone. I signed her up for a beginners dance class. She did it! She followed directions...well for only the first two classes. But she did it. I have video of her in her pink tutu twirling and dancing right along with the other little girls! Don't underestimate your kiddo! So what she never did a class after that. But then I signed her up for swim lessons and she loved it! She went for 3 sessions at the Y! What he's going through now will pass. We know how our kiddos go in and out of phases. Don't give up! I gave my kiddo a chance to prove me and everyone else wrong! Thank you for your blog, your honesty, and your humor! You're an awesome mom and an inspiration.

  12. I've been there and recently. Know you're not alone. Hang on to the positives....and try again tomorrow. :)

  13. I have been where you are. It gets better. And it gets worse. And better again. God gives us what we can handle people say... sometimes I feel like he wasn't watch in me or didn't know me. But I learned he did. And I can. And j have my nights with vampire diaries so I can pe extend live is weirder for others. Hehe. You can do it mama fry you help others now help yourself. Get a sitter. Get a haircut. See a movie or take a nap. I hope today goes smoother for you. Much love and internet hugs- rory

  14. Wow! The OG?? Awesome. You are great mom. You can tell yourself that. Take out a couple of the negatives and put in a couple positives. I love your blog!

  15. I know exactly how you feel - as a kid, I always wanted to have the "normal" life that my schoolfriends had. I wanted to go out and play with people, but my parents sheltered me beyond belief until I went to university, where I first had friends. For ages my boyfriend was my only friend, but now we are part of a huge group of friends and I love it. I hope the Kiddo is OK and I hope you guys get better soon (not what I meant to say but I can't think of the words right now). All the best honey xxxxx

  16. As mum's of kids with autism, we will never be "soccer mums" ....but we have our own little mum's club which is made up of other mum's of kids with autism. Our mum's club is compassionate, supportive and understanding... Not sure if you could always find the same amongst the soccer mums!

  17. Here's to always trying again tomorrow. And to cupcake frosting. I'm so sorry your son (and you) are having such a hard time. The unknown anger is so hard. Our sitter called me today, in tears, because my son bit somebody for touching him and the kid's dad screamed at her. Part of me is just glad I wasn't there, which, well, is what it is. Hugs to you.

  18. much love to you xx i have just returned off a week away with our tribe..... it was hard! heres my blog about it

  19. Hi, I don't have an account or I would post other than "anonymous". I can so relate, and I myself teared up reading your words. I too watch the other boys and think 'that's not us" and never will be. I try to tell myself that it's ok, he's otherwise healthy, it could be so much worse, blah, blah, blah. Well, truth is, we are human too and it's ok to feel this way. Love and hugs from a sister from another mother and father. Wendy