Tuesday, February 9, 2016


How did my day start like this?

Only to end like this?

And that wasn't even the end of my day.  That was around 2PM, when my son decided to beat down the locked door to the bathroom where I was hiding to keep him from smacking me.  You see, meltdowns around here have not been fun.  Well, not like they ever were a hoot but Kiddo has decided it's just dandy to spread the misery and I am the subject of his rage as of late.

Oh I know what some of you are thinking?  The "How did that happen?" or the "What did you do?".  Cause there's always has to be some reason why stuff like this occurs.  Making sense out of autistic meltdowns as to help you from keeping them from happening in the future.  Well today's rage fit was brought on by an old DVD player that finally went kaput.

Now we are a #blessed family and have more than one DVD player in our home but in Kiddo world, he had to watch his DVD of choice in HIS room on HIS player.  It was one of those "Autism Rules" I can't mess around with, despite me pleading with him to try to watch it somewhere else.  Not good enough and combined with me insulting him with the suggestion of watching it in another room, well he just had to remind me who's the boss around here and it is clearly not me.

As I sat in the bathroom watching the door shake from his pounding, I found myself wondering the say thing again and again.  How?  How did we once again get here?  How am I supposed to just ride out this rage one more time and NOT have it affect me in the long term? That's getting very hard to do.  How was it possible this was the same Kiddo who just a few hours earlier was so sweet and kind to one our dogs who is nursing an injured paw?  How did he go from laying on the floor gently petting the dog to pounding his fists on this door till he busted the lock?

How did my mom know then was a great time to stop over to drop something off? I don't need to know the how, I'm just glad she did.   It was enough of a distraction to get him to snap out of his rage.

She offered to watch him for a while but it was the first time I didn't really feel comfortable with it.  Not because of her but because of him.  I didn't want her to be the subject of his rage if the meltdown came back.  Cause I have been around when then that has happened.  It's like he just recharges a bit and goes hard back at it again.  Plus, I felt like it would be only reward his behavior.  "Freak out on Mom so bad that you leave her bruised and break down doors.  Win a free trip to your grandparents house where you know it is the headquarters of spoiling."

Then I watched him try to "fix" the door.  He became very fixated on it.  I wondered if meltdown round two was coming because it wouldn't "fix".   Luckily by then it was time to leave for speech therapy.  I was quite tempted to bring booze with me for his therapist as a precautionary.  I warned her from the start it was a rough day and one hour later when she walked back out with him it was clear by the look on her face that she had earned every penny of her paycheck during that session.

How I am supposed to keep doing this?  How am I supposed to act like this stuff doesn't bother me?  How is this rapidly growing Kiddo going to function if I'm not around?  How do these types of setbacks keep happening?  How can we go from peaches and cream to crap in about two seconds?  DVD players break.  The world is just cruel like that Kiddo. How about an early bedtime tonight?  You're gonna be up at the buttcrack of dawn anyway.  Yeah, I think you and I both need that this evening.

Cause I'm not sure how I'm going to do this all again tomorrow with a smile on my face.


  1. It stinks and I am sorry. Please know you aren't alone!

  2. Having a 22 year old brother, we have made it through the teenage years and are still around to talk about it today! Just know, as he grows up, IT GETS BETTER. Many families like us have gotten through those difficult times. Also, thank the lord for the prescriptions of depakote and risperidone. We have found a balance that works amazing (read: no meltdowns or aggression) and yet my brother is still able to act himself and lead a good active life. I still experience thoughts like your own sometimes, but just keep in mind the saying "this too shall pass." Sending positive thoughts your way!

  3. Sending strength and a digital hug your way.

  4. My kiddo just turned 25 and he's so much easier than he was even two years ago. (Knock on wood, fingers crossed, please God!) He hasn't had a meltdown since December 3, 2012. (That one was a DOOZIE.) I know how hard it is when the rage is directed to you, the MOM....the one who would do anything and everything to help your kid. Try not to take it personally and remember it does get easier. Not necessarily today or tomorrow or even next year... But one day you will realize that it's easier. Not easy but easier. Hugs!

  5. I am so sorry you had such a bad day. I can so envision myself in that bathroom as my son grows stronger (he's 7 now and still quite strong). I will be thinking of you tonight and will raise a glass in your name and hope that tomorrow will be calmer.

  6. I have the same thoughts several times a week. Usually I can't even let myself think about that future because I'm too busy just trying to survive the moment. It happens and you're not alone. Some day when our own shrinks have built beach houses from our kid-inflicted PTSD, maybe we'll be able to laugh about it or have some kind of greater understanding. In the mean time, we've got coffee, wine and the knowledge that no single meltdown cam last forever-even if the pain lingers long after.

  7. man, i feel your pain. i think the same thing almost every day. it's walking on eggshells everyday trying to prevent the next big meltdown. our mid winter break is next week, i will probably be hiding in the bathroom once or twice myself. hang in there momma fry!

  8. Just know that you're not alone. And tomorrow is another day and another chance. You can do this.

  9. Sending thoughts your way


    Had about the same situation a few weeks back, except it was the cd player and I was luckily able to resurrect it for the time being....

    But Little One verbalised that for her it was like losing a member of the household. Things aren't just things for her... everything has a soul, everything is alive in a way.

    Plus she gets really really vivid flashbacks of every single instance that CD player has played a good or bad role in her days, all the years it's been in her life and pretty soon all the memories of those years... and because she's already getting sad and upset, soon the flashback take a mostly sad/ angry/ frustrated tint

    memories rush to the point of overload and she can't control it at all...

    The more we talk about it, the more some it seems when she travels back to memory lane, whether for the best or the worst it can be as intrusive, all compassing as other people describe PTSD flashbacks.

    It's always that vivid for her... always...

  10. I've worried at times about what people think when I've said I had to lock my Little Miss in a separate room when she has one of her epic meltdowns. I worry that to "normal" parents, this sounds like cruel and unusual punishment.
    Is it bad that now I'm somewhat relieved to read this story of you placing a locked door between you and your Kiddo? Safety in numbers. I hope it's as comforting to you to hear you're not alone as it is for me, coz that's about all anyone can offer at times like this, isn't it?

  11. ((HUGS)) It sucks. It just does. I wonder "how?" all the time. How am I supposed to keep doing this? And how the hell do other people do this? And how are we going to function as a society if this population keeps growing?

  12. All I'm going to say is I feel for you, I've been there, and wishing like hell it stops soon. Wine!!!!

  13. Thinking of you Mama Fry. You're definitely not alone in this and as always, you've articulated the exact same thoughts I have about life with autism. Hang in there and here's hoping for better days ahead.

  14. There's no shelter or safe house to go to when the one hurting you is your young child. The isolation and loneliness in those moments hurts as much as the punching, biting and kicking. Your sharing helps that, Mama Fry.

  15. I am so sorry. Do you have a behavioral therapist? Is the school at all potentially helpful in terms with coming up with a behavioral management plan? We are all on your side, and hope this gets better soon.

  16. I think I just read my own life..... I know this struggle, add 2 more children in the mix that are frustrated and hate to see mom with bruises and scratches, busted lips, nothing nice in the home, because it gets ruined or broken.... He will be 14 next week.... Wish I could rewind to age 3 and pause or fast forward to the twenties.... Bless you, and bless us all... - Amy

  17. I can truly say I know how you feel...I have on more than one occasion locked myself and my kiddo in his room to avoid him hurting his sisters...better me than them! The part that sucks the most, though, is the sadness and hurt I see in his eyes when he (finally!) calms down...autism is just so hard sometimes. Sending you lots of good thoughts and the belief that somehow, someway, this will get better!