Thursday, November 2, 2017

Dear Anxiety

Fuck you.  Seriously, go fuck yourself with a rusty shovel.  I am so fucking sick of you and what you do this family and more importantly, to my Kiddo.

It's a fact that you are very contagious and I'd really like to send you packing for good.  All it takes is for Kiddo to be anxious and then everyone else in this house is as well. I had no idea how easy you could spread in a family.  I think you run through a house faster than rotavirus.

It's just not fair that my Kiddo's life is ruled by you and no matter what we do to counteract it, you just keep chipping away at him and at us.  Therapy, medication, diets and all matter of intervention.  You never go away.  You merely quiet down and recharge for the next round when you will hold my Kiddo hostage once again.

And I am so God damn tired of running interference with you. As soon as I see Kiddo start to pace and script like a mofo, I know you're making yourself known. He's trying hard to battle you with the coping skills that he has learned.  Some days you stay at bay but more often than not, you win.  Then you take that win and rub it in our faces.

Plus, you've added a new weapon to your arsenal.  Now you get him freaking out so badly that it effects his whole body. He's now throwing up/gagging because of you.  I can't tell you what a freaking delight that's been.  Every other day, dealing with vomit and cleaning him up.  I'm all about a "Better out than in." way of thinking but this is getting ridiculous and kind of gross. I've gone from researching what mystery virus this could be to "Okay, go throw up. Get it over with.". Yeah, I'm really winning the "Mother of the year" award over here. I'll be sure to collect it once I've done this 47th load of laundry you help create.

My Kiddo just wants to be himself. I just want him to be himself.  I am so tired of living on edge because of you.  You make our lives miserable. Worse yet, you take up so much of our time and energy that we start to forget the good things we have going on.  I don't want to be that miserable person.  I don't want to dwell in the negative but for Christ sake, you make it hard not to be that way.

I've come to terms long ago that our life would never be typical but it just seems like each passing year, a new level of "WTF" gets added to the mix. "Oh, you just started to feel slightly confident in your parenting a special needs child?  Let's LEVEL UP, BITCH!"

How much more are you going to take from him? How much more are you going to demand?  Cause I'm done trying to negotiate with you. I tired of seeing you drag us down to your level. I'm tired of what this has done to my Kiddo and to my marriage.  I'd tell you go to go fuck off forever but no matter how many times I said it, I know you won't go.

Can I just say you are one of asshole of a roommate? I don't know why I am asking you if I can. You certainly didn't ask if you could stay and yet you do.  If you're not even gonna chip in on the rent or the medication we all have to take because of you, GET OUT!  Seeing at Daylight Saving Time AND a full moon is headed our way this weekend, hurry up and pack.

Sincerely with no love,
Mama Fry

13 years we've been on this Island of Sodor and even my dog can't believe it.


  1. You said all the words. Sending love.x

  2. The Island of Sodor is my kiddo's comfort zone in times of great distress too. Another tried-and-true favorite that's back for him this month: Fireman Sam (a Welsh claymation series with a super catchy theme song. We live near Philly. How all these shows from across the pond became favorites I'll never understand.)

    I hear you, Mama. I'll share my Xanax if you share your wine....

  3. Times like this I think of "war with the world" which is never going to go away [Polly Samuel; she introduced this in her first book and its afterword].

    And anxiety - exposure anxiety - seems to be a "war with the self".

    Beth K: these across-the-pond shows are brilliant. Yes, Fireman Sam does have a catchy theme song.

    Claymation is wonderful especially as you can reproduce the figurines yourself and pounding clay does seem to do a lot emotionally.

    Public television is good in Philadelphia / Pennsylvania?

    And, oh, Kiddo, the gaggery!

    Anxiety does seem like it's levelling up. Hope it meets the final boss really soon, in a Dungeons and Dragons/Double Dragon way.

  4. Thank you. Not for suffering, but for letting me know we are not alone.
    Taking my son to a pediatric gastroenterologist next week. The misery...well, you know.
    And how about a huge helping of OCD with that anxiety? Throw in some tics while we're at it. I want to help my sweet boy because he must be suffering horribly. And the rest of us are - to a lesser degree - as well.
    Tics and OCD behaviors and stomach problems, oh, my.

  5. Oh Mama. I'm sorry. I feel your pain. We didn't used to have these issues really but lately it's been getting kinda bad and I don't know what to do. At least we don't have the throw up. (Yet). Hang in there. Sending love. And white chocolate peppermint pretzel chips. They're delicious. :-)

  6. My daughter went through (still goes through) the throwing up because of anxiety. After weeks of her vomiting every day most of the times more then once, seeing doctors and missing school we figured out it was something going on at school. Once it was addressed her vomiting stopped (for the most part) we have had some set backs but nothing like before.
    Its hard when they cant communicate what is causing the problem, and schools never want to admit it could be something happening there.
    You will make it, he will make it.

  7. some of this i wonder if you live here.
    though im currently counting the blessings that its rare for anyone to throw up from anxiety.. but having a stomachache that lasts all day/for days because of it... i get that... and yes, its totally and overly empathetic thing... one of us gets anxious and no one else has to even KNOW and the rest of us are feeding off of that like anxiety zombies.

  8. Anxiety is the worst. The end. It rules so much of our lives and you're right, it IS SO contagious. I have no solution, only sympathy and validation. Wish we could all team up against the common enemy and crush anxiety for good.

  9. Sorry to hear about all the throwing up. Really hope the full moon passed without incident for you....?! Anxiety is crippling. It controls everything here too :(

  10. My friend sent this blog to me because she thought you were channeling my thoughts. Hahaha, thank you for the mental break!
    "Level up, bitch!" I have to laugh or I'm going to my wine glass...rimmed in chocolate. ;)
    Stay strong mama, you're doing great.

  11. We went through this big-time my daughter's junior and senior years of high school, and off-and-on during undergrad. It is so stressful on everyone. My heart goes out to you. We eventually got a new psychiatrist and new medication protocol and a job that is a good fit for her, and she is doing very well now (age 33). Hugs.

  12. You have such a great way of describing things, I can soooo relate. I wish your family some relief from the anxiety monster.