But...

But this is not the mothering I signed up for. So now what? Exactly.

But everyday is such a roller coaster.  No amount of warning could of prepared me for the up, down and all around.  It wouldn't of mattered.  I wouldn't of believed it anyway.

But I got to remember he's trying his best.  He's trying to handle being parented by a neurotypical mom.  Well, let's be real.  I'm sure my little ASD apple didn't fall far from this quirky tree.  Either way, here we are. Trying to figure each other out while trying to figure our own selves out too.

But I have to have hope.  He's showed so much progress in the past two years.  I often immediately thank his teacher for it.  She's had A LOT to do with it.  She just gets him and I will sob my heart out when he moves on from her room at the end of this school year.  I wonder if she knows in my head I think of her as my BFF.  That's kind of stalkerish? Is that a word?  It's in print.  It is now.  But really, how could I not think of her as a good friend when she's made such an effort to help my son.  Nothing could of prepare me for that.  When someone non related and in a paid position seems to love your kid in a special way.  Damn, that's good stuff right there.

But I also have to be realistic.  For as much progress he has made we still have so much more to do.  It's daunting and I fear some goals just won't ever be achieved.  Sometimes it just smacks me in the face out of no where.  I'll be doing something like the laundry (which I am always doing) and I will think "He won't ever get married.  I'll never have grand kids."  I don't know this but there is a damn good chance that's the case.   Well I guess I'll just have to be that eccentric old great auntie to my nieces and nephews kids.  Won't be the same but what else will I do?  Exactly.  Adapt and move on.

But then he's proven me wrong so many times!  To the point where I think he does it just to mess with me.  I love those times.  Prove me wrong kiddo.  Is it Autism when he gets that fixated on doing something or pure Irish stubborn spirit?  Gee, I wonder where that comes from? ;-) If I could harness that energy he shows I could power a small city. When he is in, he is ALL IN!

But it is all so much work.   Always has been and always will be.  I am tired.  So bloody tired.  I'm tired of being tired.  I walk in a permanent fog.  The folks at Keurig follow me on Twitter.  (@FrenchFryInc) All the coffee in the world and cat naps stolen here and there still will never be enough because even when I get a chance to lay down and close my eyes I cannot turn off my brain.  I think of how much more there is to do.  What goals we need to focus on next.  Which direction to take.  How we will tackle the next big issue because there is always another big issue to handle. 

But I will tackle it because I love him with a power that is so fierce that is it frightening. There is a line in my life.  Before kiddo and then just kiddo.   The kiddo cannot be replaced.  I cannot fathom life without him.

But let's be honest here, at some point I will screw it up.  BAD!  Something will be the worst thing I could of done.   I'll either know it right away or it will hit me days later and I'll think "FUCK!"  I do a lot of stupid shit in the name of love.  I am a freaking hot mess and people now write me and ask me for advice.  What? I don't know what I'm doing at all?  WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME?? (why am I yelling?) I don't have my shit together at all.  I don't know what to say or what to think most days.

But I will keep trying because I see what hard work can do. I have many comrades in the autism trenches with me.  We'll brainstorm together.  We'll figure it out. 

And we'll probably order another side of fries.