Sunday, August 4, 2013

Autism, have mercy.

Sunday, a day of rest.  Pardon me while I laugh my ass off at the very thought.   Or I would if I wasn't so tired.  The kiddo's meltdowns were my god damn undoing today.

I sit here utterly spent.  There are just some days I want to close the day firmly like a door, lock it and throw away the key.  I don't want to remember this day.  I don't really have to remember it because I am sure there will be others like it. 

I don't even have the energy to do a play by play of what went wrong so I can learn from it.  I don't want any more teachable moments.  Today I don't care.  I'm flipping sick of having to constantly plan.  I'm sick of having to check every choice I make.  I know autism is a different set of thinking and way of processing information.  Today, I am really tired of having to always be thinking about every situation in two different ways.  Neurotypical and Autistic.  I simply wish we could just be.

I am tired of being so very angry still.  I'm not going to even ponder when or if that ever goes away.  I don't think it ever really will.  I know I am stuck in a moment and it's not a life time thing.  In this moment, I am having a really flipping hard time getting out of this stuck position.  

What are my choices?  Bottle it up and feel worse or discuss it here or with somebody and still feel worse till I get distracted by life and have to bottle it up again?  I don't want to go over what went wrong and how to avoid it in the future because today was just one of those days where I will never fully know what it was that started the bad funk.  In him and then eventually in me.  It could be something as simple as I went down the "wrong road" (in his mind) while out driving before and for whatever reason that set the tone.  He couldn't tell me or I wasn't listening, well listening with my autism ears, which you know is completely different kind of listening.  He saw something amiss and I couldn't see it.  Autism eyes, I must of forgot those too.

I know he's got to be exhausted.  He's stuck with two parents who do not share his neurology.  He is constantly having to explain why he is upset and sometimes he can't even do that. I bet that probably makes him feel even worse.  I'll add that to stuff I am pissed about.  If my kid is upset, I should be able to stop it.  I should be able to see immediately what it is that is bothering him and fix it . I would like to be able to reason and explain to him why something can't go his way.  I"m not asking for the world to always bend to him.  He's got to compromise too.  Today, it just seemed impossible for both of us.  

Autism, have mercy.  Today I have had enough.  I can't be jolly all the time.  I don't always feel like embracing the quirks.  Sometimes I just want to go from point A to point B without having to pick up and carry my 9 year old son in public in front of a crowd.  It's too damn hard to do this Sunday.

In all my years of Catholic school, I don't remember the nuns ever mentioning a patron saint of neurodiversity.   I think I will just pray to St. Anthony, the finder of lost things because today I have surely lost my ever loving mind.  Usually I'm just bugging him to help me to find the remote to the DVD player so I suspect he'll like hearing a different tune from for a change.


  1. thank you for always sharing with the world... the good, the bad, the ugly, and the hilarious knowing that i'm not the only parent who feels like this somedays is like a hug or xanax just makes you feel better

  2. St. Joseph of Cupertino was the personification of neurodiversity, and he specializes in finding answers to impossible questions. ;)

  3. Thank you for sharing this. At times I feel like I am the only one in the universe that feels this way, then I read something like this and I realize I'm not. It gives me some consolation and certainly empathy for all us parents who are trying so hard to live both the autism/neurotypical life. It is challenging!

  4. Thank you for sharing this today sometimes especially days like these it is good to be reminded that you are not a lone god bless you and your family.... I am sure it is just as hard on them as it is us I constantly tell myself that

  5. Sounds like one of those days where you need to retreat back into a safe and ordered place and let the world go by for a while as you recharge your batteries for another assault on the NT world ... Hang on a moment! that's what our kids have to do all the time!

    ((((((((((((((Hugs))))))) and more (((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))

  6. Yes, I know this feeling, too. Somedays, it is exhausting, and it's true what you say that it is exhausting for our kids too, when they can't explain and we can't fix it. I know exactly where you are coming from, and thanks for expressing it.

  7. Tomorrow is a new day. Take it one day at a time. That's all you can do.

  8. well said. Somedays we don't want to have to analyse the melt down, figure it out, blah, blah, blah....when do we get to have OUR meltdowns! My son's have gotten easier over the years, so I guess that is a good thing, but I feel your pain! My mantra has always been This too shall pass, sometimes I just find myself chanting that over and over till it does!! Thanks for sharing what we all feel....

  9. I say play to San Lazaro - the patron saint of Lost Causes or so I'm told by my ultra Catholic family.

  10. I hear you! I'm still angry all the time too. Usually, by morning, I'm refreshed.

    I also wonder if I'll ever just go with it and accept it. but I suppose we all have our good and bad days.

    Love your blog!

  11. Thank you so much. I'm angry all the time, not at my son, more at the hand that life has dealt us. I'm not sure when or if the anger and heartbreak will ease up, but reading your post makes me feel like I'm not alone, that finally someone understands,.God knows my family and the people I used to call friends don't get it. I have to pray,.and fight to keep my faith, sometimes I feel like it's the only thing I have. So again thank you so much for helping me to realize my feelings are normal and I'm not totally alone.