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Tuesday, December 23, 2014

All the things I'm suppose to be.

On any given day I am cast to play several roles at once and I have no understudy.

I am suppose to be an autism information help desk fielding questions at the worst possible times like trying to get a melting down kiddo off the floor.  "I'm sorry.  Did you say have I read Jenny McCarthy's books? I couldn't hear you over the screaming."

I am suppose to be completely unaware that there is a young autistic man that can draw cityscape from memory as someone with the best intentions posts that picture meme on my Facebook wall. I"m suppose to be happy that they thought of me.  I'm suppose to not mention my kiddo can barely sign his name.  Or that there is a young woman named Carly who can communicate through a laptop.  I'm suppose to not mention my kiddo prefers to communicate through scripts of conversations he remembers from two years ago but I'll keep getting these sent to me with the idea I've never seen them.

I'm suppose to be an advocate for my son at school while not being a pain in the ass.  I haven't managed that one yet.

I'm suppose to watch the TV show Parenthood.  I haven't watched a single episode and I probably won't either. I haven't read "The Reason I Jump" and at this rate I'll be 75 before I get to it.  I live with autism.  I'm not so eager to read about it or watch it on TV which is funny because I expect you all to read this blog. What can I say?  I'm quirky like that.   I just like to escape with a mental vacation.  Pardon me if I'd rather be watching Downton Abbey.  Although let's face it, I'm pretty sure Sherlock is an Aspie. (And a cute one at that!)

I suppose to teach my son to be independent and yet I know there are some things he will never do.  I'm suppose to never run out of motivation to keep at it.  I'm suppose to be the one who keeps the momentum going.

I'm suppose to be the special person that God gave a special child too.  Or a special child has made me a special person.  I call bullshite on that.  I got what I got.  I'm not a saint.  I screw up just as much as I would have if my kiddo was typical.  There is no halo over my head.

I'm suppose to know what that meaning is behind every behavior he has even when I"m not present to see it happen.  School, I get it. I'm fluent in "The Kiddo" but seriously, sometimes I have no clue.  You're there.  You will probably figure it out before I can.

I suppose to be a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend as well.  I sometimes have a very hard time balancing all these titles as well. My apologies if I suck at it.  I'm really trying.

I'm suppose to be this beacon of positive attitude when on most days at some point I panic/cry/scream in frustration at what's been handed to us.

I'm suppose to make dinner tonight and there's a really good chance I won't remember to take out something to defrost. My very patient but equally exhausted husband will eat whatever I do rustle up and will sweetly not mention this is the fourth time this week I made pasta.

I'm suppose to keep a house and do the laundry.  All it takes is the kiddo to be home ten minutes from school for all of that to be undone.

I suppose to be asleep but insomnia has other ideas.

I suppose not to care what others think of me but I do.  I can get 99 comments on a post and it's the one negative one I will be thinking about later. (A fun thing to do when you have insomnia.)

We're about to start a two week break from school so I am suppose to be the entertainment director as well.  He's asking me to schedule what he will eat for lunch each day already.  I'm trying not to panic.

I suppose we'll just order another side of fries. :-)

12 comments:

  1. i fart in the general direction of anyone who posts negitive comments to this post. merry christmas.

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    1. My SON told me about where that reference came from. LOL Geeze!!! Your mother was a hamster and your father smells like elderberries, LOL

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    2. You guys are awesome - my oldest loves that movie

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  2. I love your blog!! I am mom of a 4 year old boy with ASD. The most stressful part of parenting him is feeding him. He has three foods that he will eat (all junk food). Reading your blog (and Facebook posts) have given me hope that things just may get better in this area. Oh and you should totally watch Parenthood. Best show on TV. I marathon watched all seasons last January and was hooked. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us!

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  3. Nailed it!! Its about surviving with your sanity still intact. I can't say it will get better because each situation is different, but it hasn't killed you so you are stronger for it. We mothers that autism has touched or rather bear hugged our lives are just ordinary people with extraordinary lives. We are not super heros or the guru of autism. We make mistakes, we get cranky, and we definitely are tired. We are human.

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  5. This is exactly what I needed to read right now! Thank you!

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  6. This post is so true. I really get how you feel about it.

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  7. Great post - again - I loved the part about sending me news clippings. My dad still does this - after 10 years of living with autism, and Google Alerts set up for the word Autism I am pretty sure I have already seen it - thanks.

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