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Wednesday, December 30, 2015

The break is breaking me.

I will admit it. I'm not just a mother.  I am what can best be described as a "Smother" (Props to my Kiddo's speech therapist for turning me onto that word.)  He is my only kid.  Add autism to boot and I hover over that kiddo like nobody's business.  I am hyper aware and probably more anxious than him in new situations.  I am always living in a state of perpetual freaking out.

The older he gets, the more I realize this behavior of mine is not doing either of us any favors.  Despite my plan never to die. (My current plan for the future. Rational, right?)

No time like the present to start pushing both myself and the Kiddo outside our comfort zone though to start building more independence.  Inspired by one thing.  This winter break which is going to break me.

I get it. He's off his school routine where every minute of the day is planned out up to and including when he goes to the bathroom.  There are also no therapies this week because those folks are selfish and want to spend time with their families. Pffft. Whatever!  So we got the perfect storm for a meltdown brewing daily just hovering over the house every single day.  Add the excitement of "SANTA!" and tons of family gatherings with folks that don't always get the #TeamQuirky lifestyle. ("You brought a Happy Meal for his dinner???") I guess you could say that both the Kiddo and I are out of fucks to give.  It's now Wednesday... Gawd! It's only Wednesday?!?!  Crap! I still have a lot of week to fill up.

I found myself online yesterday researching day camps for breaks.  Cause despite me setting down some plans for the boy this week, it's still not enough for him.  Even scheduling "Okay, now we're going to have iPad time. Or DVD time. Or play with toys time." ten seconds later he's on me like a rash to be his personal cruise activity director.

So what happens then?  He goes to his coping skills.  Stimming.  Which would be fine if it wasn't non stop screaming like a possessed howler monkey who just pounded back a couple of Red Bulls.   And it's not just him screaming. Oh no, my boy is a scream connoisseur.  When he is not shrieking like a banshee for fun and sport, he's looking up YouTube clips of other people screaming.  Perhaps to be inspired or just enjoys the sound. I'm not sure.  It's a sensory thing I just do not get all around.  Meanwhile I can't use the blender in my house to make a smoothie because that's too loud.  Huh?

Just looking up a program where I'm pretty sure he would enjoy fills me with heaps of guilt. Like I can't hang and handle this boy for a simple winter break?  What the hell is wrong with me?  I used to deal with autism as a job before I went pro with the kiddo.  Yep, I signed up for it.  Of course the difference being I clocked in and then after a while, clocked out.

And I know going into each and every break with the Kiddo what's going to happen.  That eventually we will both hit a point where we are sick of each other and just miserable.  It just seems like we hit that point a lot sooner lately.  Maybe if he had a sibling this would be different.  I don't know.  I just know he's needing a structured routine with multiple social interaction that this one mom show cannot provide.

I mention the idea of signing up for this local camp thing (It's all throughout the year) to the husband unsure of how he might respond.  He immediately said "Let's do it." He was ALL IN.

I just sent in my email signing up for more details.  Seems right to do but also scary.  Mostly right though.  Could be great. Could suck balls.  Only one way to find out.  I just know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em.  I need help.  I'm hoping this can do it.

Okay, it's not all screaming. Sometimes he's quiet for like a hot minute.  




15 comments:

  1. I love reading your blogs. I can always relate. Wed began super earlier then normal and today we are supposed to venture to the movies if I can stay awake. Coffee will be my friend again I hope.

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  2. Having a sibling doesn't always make it better. My 5yo with autism was screaming at his baby brother until he was bawling yesterday because he wanted to hear curious George and his brother wanted to play. You're not alone.

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  3. Having a sibling doesn't always make it better. My 5yo with autism was screaming at his baby brother until he was bawling yesterday because he wanted to hear curious George and his brother wanted to play. You're not alone.

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  4. I feel your pain as well, I too am a Smother, with an only son, having lost his older sibling to SIDS, then having him and getting autism dx, and then miscarriage of a child after that...I smother. But I also get worn down and out, so does my son. I homeschool, so we are always together. The only respite is the 2 hours/ wk he has in home therapy here. No day camp nearby for breaks, that would be a Godsend, although, I know that I too, would experience the guilt and mixed emotions. Praying this gives you both a needed break, and if so, maybe I can push for something like it here. Please keep us posted on how it goes. As always, love you and your heart.

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  5. I used to work in special recreation and if the is such a program near you that can provide activities and day camp sorry of things, go for it. Believe it or not, there is a national certification for recreational therapists. They know what they are doing. I'm get the guilt factor, I do. My #teamquirky member is 15 and isn't interested in that sort of thing, Not to mention he is so much higher cognitively than the kids in our local program that he'd hate it. Thankfully he got enough stuff he enjoys for the holidays to keep him busy or he'd be driving me and his sister more crazy than normal, Breaks are tough. We just have to make it through this week and Monday he goes back to school. You can make it. If I can do it, so can you. Hang in there Mama Fry.

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  6. I live locally in Monmouth County, I'd love to know the camp!

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  7. Having siblings doesn't make it any easier in our house. My daughter actually behaves better when her siblings are not home. She bosses her sister and screams at her until they are both screaming and crying. And screaming is my daughter's stim of choice too. She screamed so much this summer that I thought I might have a nervous breakdown. I live in BFE so there are no camps, no anything. It's miserable at times.

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  8. Well ur not alone momma, i know is only wednesday and im start having anxiety and panic attacks because is to much for me plus a baby and a sibling coffee is my bff now, but i understand, hugs

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  9. I hope you find a good camp! My son with autism would hate camps. I put him in one and he was miserable. He'd rather just be in his room with his video games and books.

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  10. We are feeling the same! Every day is has to be a trip..from chuck e cheese to bounce u to playgrounds to trampoline park..lunch at friendly's...we are exhausted and it's not enough! And our boys has 2 brothers and it's not better!

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  11. We are feeling the same! Every day is has to be a trip..from chuck e cheese to bounce u to playgrounds to trampoline park..lunch at friendly's...we are exhausted and it's not enough! And our boys has 2 brothers and it's not better!

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  12. We are 3 weeks into our six week summer holidays from school. I'm done. Australia doesn't do the camp thing and even if we did, I doubt I'd get the Aspie out the door. We managed to farm the Little Miss out for a few days. As wild as she is with no "normal" routine, I miss her because she's the one that gives me the loves that Aspie deprives me of.
    Now if you'll excuse me, I'm just going to joyfully cross off another day on the calendar. HAPPY NEW YEAR, MAMA FRY AND ALL THE FRIES!

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  13. I hear you, I've had breaks like that! Hope you find that perfect camp and you get a break. Sending you good vibes!

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  14. Oh man. I work from home and breaks are the worst, although I don't have a screamer. That would kill me. Good luck with the camp.

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  15. I can appreciate how difficult this must be for you. I am a teacher and a mom myself. Even I find the school breaks hard sometimes. It sounds like you're incredibly reflective though. You're doing great mama!

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