Wednesday, November 9, 2016

I am tired of fighting.

"I am glad to see he enjoyed trick or treating. He was excited to do it. 

We are also glad to see he and his classmates went to watch science experiments yesterday for exposure to the science curriculum. 

If a typical six grader is doing something, we want our son and his classmates to be given the same opportunity. Inclusion is as simple as that.  It is vital to presume competence in autistic and special needs students." 

Off goes my latest email to the school team.  Making sure I thank them for what they give us even though all I want to do is scream how it's his right to have it.  Plus adding a little at the end to remind them why I fight the way I do for my Kiddo.

Because believe it or not school staff, it's not my aim in life to be the crazy parent.  However with all the stuff going on in our lives lately, it's been very hard NOT to come off that way.

And because we have a Kiddo who just hit puberty like a freight train and still can't accept the transition of being at this new school, I feel like I'm playing monkey in the middle right now. Between trying to get what he needs at school set up and then how he is being. I'm not Willy Wonka so I won't sugarcoat this.  It's very hard to fight and push for your child and then still have your kid acting out.

Today I had my own meltdown crying over just that.  How am I to get them to give him a chance when he still keeps acting the way he does?  All I want to do is yell at him "Don't you know how hard I am fighting for you?" I'm at the point now where I wonder why do I do it?  Why can't I be the piece of shit parent that doesn't care and isn't involved? I would love to be that parent.  Who would like to be Mama Fry? The job title is for sale. I really don't want to be her anymore.

I knew motherhood was a thankless job but lately I am seriously ready to run off to Australia and never come back. And I could too. You should see my blog stats from Down Under. You know how Jerry Lewis is big in France. That's me with the Aussies.  I could couch surf for weeks and live like a king!  (Okay, so yeah. Maybe that Mama Fry thing does have it's perks.)

 I used to be able to accept the thankless part of it.  Really. If I saw him happy and thriving,that's all I needed. Now?  Not so much so. I'm fighting and pushing. It's still not working.  He still isn't getting what he needs. He's not happy.  Where do I go from here?

Well apparently it was to be called into the school again to go over his behavior and their complete inability to give him what he needs.  It's a real special moment when a school district tells you that they can't give him the free and appropriate education in the least restrictive environment as he is entitled by the law.

Before you say "SUE", which trust me, I pondered.  I sue to buy time to keep him in a place where they clearly do not want him nor can keep him safe?  There are other parents of his classmates that currently wondering if their kids are safe too.  There is just way too much uncertainly in that environment.

And since the second day of school when the principal turned to me and said "I sure hope you don't write about me in your blog.", I knew that Kiddo had a target on his head.  She did not want to deal with us.  So they are happy to send us on our way.  And frankly when she told me "Just lie and not tell him" about canceled appointments so he could have time to process things, that NEVER sat well with me that I was sending him to a school that had a staff member who could say things like that.

I'm heartbroken and scared.  I am starting all over again.  Now we scramble to find another placement for him and traumatize him again by taking him away from the classmates he has grown up with since he was three.

Licking our wounds.  Trying to figure out how we tell our son about this next direction we are all taking with him. Trying like heck to be okay so I can convince him it will be okay.

Current mood. 


  1. I'm so sorry this is happening. That school does not sound like a good place for Kiddo to be. I have just a couple of things to say... take or ignore as you will :)

    1) I'm an Aussie and I have a spare bed, you're welcome any time.

    2) One of my dearest friends struggled for a long time with the decision whether to place her autistic son into a specialist school environment. She didn't want to. She held him in the mainstream environment for many, many years, until, like your son, it became clear it wasn't going to work. She moved him to the specialist school, against her better judgement and felt awful about having to make that decision... and he has thrived. It wasn't what she expected - and there absolutely were teething issues during the transition. But my point is... perhaps this change will bring good things to you too?

    I mean, Trump just won the election. Apparently anything is possible, no matter how crazy and remote the possibility might seem ;)

  2. I've written plenty about my kids' school in my blog, and thought I haven't updated in a while, I'll continue to do so. I totally feel you on the "Don't you know how hard I'm fighting for you??" We've had this discussion in the last couple of weeks. No, actually- a conversation is two-sided. This was me basically fed up and yelling. LOL

  3. Spare bed in the UK too, but feel free to bring Kiddo along as he and my son can act out together!
    I have a 13 year old and am experiencing exactly the same scenario as you. We have home schooled for six months after our local school failed him and are preparing to try school again. My husband is against it because at least while he is at home we are more in control and he is protected. I want whatever is possible and am trying to gather the strength to take on the establishment again. All I know for certain is I will keep fighting, even if once in while I take a little break and recharge my batteries.

    You are down quite rightly so but I know they won't know what's hit them when you get back up and fight xxxx

  4. my kid is rarely happy. it's heartbreaking to see. i wish you luck and success on your new path. hang in there mama fry. and if you head to australia, take me with ya! :)

  5. Mama Fry, I haven't had my coffee yet so I might not be as articulate as the others but I feel ya. I have 2 boys, one that is 18 and the othe turning 13 next month. Puberty sucks enough w/out any help from Autism. Autism just makes it extra special. And since they were not able to keep a 'celebrity's' kid safe, you could always use that as an explanation to the kiddo. God bless your day today.

  6. SHIT!!! That's their way of getting rid of our kids, they push and push our buttons where it hurts the most so, we caring and loving parents have no choice but taking our children out of their schools and either go to the next or homeschool them.
    I feel your rage/pain... i feel exactly the same... I, too, am almost done.

  7. We are in the exact same's frustrating and exhausting...mostly because we know what our son is capable of and we know how amazing he is...something just isn't working for him this year... hugs from Virginia

  8. I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't imagine a school saying they can't handle your son. I have two boys, one typical and one special needs. I've fought for both of them their entire school career. My older is now in college and youngest is a senior. I have no double the Mukilteo School District will throw a party like no other when he graduates. Knowing that we left our mark is one of our proudest moments. They will never forget our family. I would sue them. They have a duty to give your son the education he rightly deserves. I know you don't want to fight anymore, I've been there myself. Know that you are not alone.

  9. I'm so sorry. I've been there and it sucks. Sending you hugs Mama Fry!!

  10. I'm in a similar situation but my kid is just starting school (Junior Kindergarten). Why they have to do this with a family that has already enough problems and worries?? I made a promise to my little guy that I would never let a door close on his face, but jeez is so hard to make things happen when dealing with school. I'll keep fighting until I see on his eyes that he is not happy, just them I will move to the next. So yeah, I think our kids happiness is the best judge for us! Keep it up! Do not ever feel that you fail on him! School is failing and he is not happy! Transition time here we go! Always for the best!!

  11. Mama Fry, I am so sorry you and the Kiddo are going through this. I'm saying prayers for you and hope the Kiddo's new placement is the right one for him. Hugs.

  12. Another Aussie here where you are most welcome. Unfortunately I can't say our schools are much better, having just had to withdraw my son a special school for kids with disabilities due to discrimination.

  13. Spare bed in Vegas, though with Trump winning, maybe Australia would be better. And Asperger's kid here is finally getting help that it only took me 5 years of fighting to get him.

  14. Totally understand. Get an educational lawyer who specializes in special needs kiddos. It's hard if you are NT let alone if you aren't in middle school, i call it puberty on steroids. Have gone through this, look at big picture and understand that change of placement MUST be signed off on by parent. I really recommend educational lawyer who can help.

  15. You are doing an amazing job Mama Fry, and never forget that. You ask why you care so much and are so involved? It is because you believe in your son's potential and know that he will achieve all of it, regardless of the inferior schooling that is being offered him currently. Think of yourselves in 10 years' time and how great it will feel to know you never gave up. Let their negativity drive you to prove them all wrong. Take care of yourselves.

  16. I wish something would happen to the school staff because right now it's like they basically won a prize, because kiddo is not going there anymore and it's what they obviously wanted and they'll do the same to the next kiddo too.

    I am so angry at the school staff, they are in the wrong field, there shouldn't be any room in the education field for people who are unwilling to do what they should do and provide each and every child with what they need.

    Sorry you're going through such a tough time. I hope things start turning around soon, there's only so much a peron can take. My heart goes out to you and the kiddo and his daddy.

  17. Right there with you Mama Fry...cried my own meltdown tears in my coffee this week. So ready to give up this fight. We are in the process of transition my 10 year old to a special Autism program in our district. And while I love the teacher and feel at the moment they are doing all the right things...I didn't anticipate what an extremely difficult time he would have with this change and how much I would still need to advocate for my son. It took me 4 years to get our school to see he needed an IEP, and they finally jumped on board when he came completely undone last year. We tried their token 6 weeks of interventions at the beginning of this year that were quite frankly, a BIG FAT JOKE! And now he is in this program where suddenly there are targeting all of his "behaviors" that his previous school did nothing about...except suspend him. And now we're like ok kid here's a brand new school, new teacher's, new classmates....TIME TO GET TO WORK!!

    Ok...apparently I needed to vent some of my crazy that has been brewing!! All I really meant to say is, "MEEEEE TOOOOOOO! HANG IN THERE!!!!"

  18. Aussie here. Spare bed. But about to change my son's school too so you probably wouldn't want my spare bed haha :/

  19. Look, we have a couch, but I must warn you, we also have TWO autistic kids, so I'm not sure you'll be escaping so much as jumping out of the frypan into the fire (which is appropriate considering your title).
    Other than that, all I can offer you is, I've been there and it had a really, REALLY happy ending. He might reel for a little bit as he settles in, as did mine, but if it's a good environment for him, it will be so worth it.
    You at least weren't like me, waiting until I was millibars off (another) actual nervous breakdown. This isn't just good for him. It's good for the whole family.
    That's my two bob's worth, anyway.

  20. Your post is so timely because this is my exact situation with my 2 Autistic sons. One is being pushed into "placement" (aka, school not following IEP and blaming his outbursts on a poor fit), while the other they are just blatantly ignoring the IEP, bit because he's not a behavior problem, they ignore him. We've filed a formal complaint with our district, but like you I'm just tired of fighting. Just doggone tired. We are looking at fully pulling then from school and doing virtual school, but I'm not sure I have the strength for it. However, anything is better then my boys crying every morning that they don't want to go to school and getting daily phone calls about "behavior". I've been in the class, when their IEp is followed, they are great!! And honestly, some of the crap behavior I see on the "normal" kids is enough to curl your hair!! Why are my special needs kids being held to a higher standard of behavior then the normal kids?!?! I'm done!!!

  21. I'm in New Zealand and have a spare bed for you! Mr 4 has high functioning autism, it might? even? be a nice? change? I mean he's smaller, so his meltdowns are more easily contained?