I know exactly why the Kiddo hates Wednesdays and there's not a God damn thing I can do about it. Why you may ask?
because Autism.
His behaviors every Wednesday to get to the thing he wants (Music therapy after school) are now creeping into Tuesday. I could almost deal with the weekly "Wtf Wednesdays" if I knew I only had to power through a day of it. Last night however, he decided to ramp it up about being pissed off at having to go to school the next day. Why you may ask?
because Autism.
"Well can't you just change the day he goes and not tell him when it's coming?"
Tried it. Didn't really work and it's not that simple. Not to mention have you ever tried to move a therapy appointment? Do you know the ripple effect that has over your schedule and the therapists schedule? What am I suppose to do? Demand other folks move their appointments around because of my Kiddo? I don't think I could withstand the #TeamQuirky backlash/karma that would then surely come my way. Plus, he knows he has this as a therapy. It's insulting to his intelligence to hide it from him. Also, I don't like lying to him. Which is what that feels like to me. I won't screw around with that trust.
"Have you tried..."
Stop. This is where I need you to not talk. There is no answer to this. Why you may ask?
because Autism.
This and a thousand other challenges we have on any given day is the only explanation. Autism. May not be the answer that actually answers the question but it's usually the only reason why something is happening that doesn't make a whole lot of sense to the rest of the neurotypical world.
It's because of autism I ended my Tuesday night being screamed and grabbed at for hours before he passed out to go to sleep. It's because of autism that our day started at 3:58 AM with more screaming. It's because of autism that I spent the next several hours defending and deflecting every grab he tried to do to me before the bus rolled up. It's because of autism that I found myself in tears before the bus driver trying to tell him it was a bad morning and the man then made me cry more by sweetly telling me "My heart goes out to you."
The only part of this that isn't ALL autism is Kiddo not only thinking but telling me that he will act up as much as possible so I will come get him at school.
because THANKS OLD SCHOOL FOR SETTING UP THAT BEHAVIOR!!! Yep, thanks to your pure incompetence on how behavior therapy actually works and sending him home all those times. Guess what you taught him to do? Act up = go home. Thanks a fucking lot. We have not crossed the threshold of that school since November and your actions are STILL screwing over my Kiddo. Oh? You're surprised he won't let that go? Seeing as it was weeks ago since he's been there?
because Autism.
Because there is nothing this Kiddo loves to do more than when he's feeling sad, he makes sure to remember every sad time he's had. Every wrong ever done to him. Every time he's had a disappointment. A real walk down meltdown memory lane. We have to hear about stuff from years ago and help him get through it.
because Autism.
I wonder if I can palm a fifty to the bus driver and he'll pick him up Tuesday night for Wednesday school. Little camp out on the bus? Maybe? I kid. I kid. (maybe)
Why does my 17 yrs old still hates the play-doh commercials and has a horrible day at school if he hears one before the bus gets here? Because of Autism. I also had to deal with the bad behavior = goes back home until he got to high school and finally district approved funding for him to attend a specialized school. There it took almost 2 yrs for him to realize that in that school he wasn't getting out that easy, lots of support and he noticed that he wasn't the only one that had "bad luck days" . I read your posts every day and I laugh and cry with you. I love that you don't sugar coat the everyday crap that involves raising a child with Autism.
ReplyDeleteMy son was a refluxer when he was little. He didn't like going to school at all (8 hours a day at 3 yrs old, who can blame him?) and quickly discovered that throwing up meant I had to come get him. "He's sick." No, he's not. "He's throwing up." Yes, that's his way of throwing a fit. He has to work through it. "He has to go home if he's throwing up." That's exactly what he wants. Thank you for your support. :(
ReplyDeleteI went through that too. I had to put it in his IEP that he had to have a second symptom like a fever before he would be sent home. He hasn't been sent home in a long time!
DeleteI am going through that right now, only my school and their staff aren't so bright and although I have been fighting for a couple of years for them NOT to send her home if all that happened was throwing up they still do saying they have too...Then they tell me she cant come in the next day, then I get calls and letters that she is out too much...sheeesh these people teach out kids, that's the scarey thing
DeleteMy son was a barfer too when he was little because of his anxiety, but luckily his teacher was smart so she had me write something up that if he throws up it is due to his anxiety, not illness, and that they could change his clothes but do not send home. That really helped!! Btw he is 7 now and totally grew out of the barfing phase. It is very rare now.
DeleteMomma Fry,
ReplyDeleteI want you to know your family is in my thoughts often. Because Autism. I pray for you that bringing wtf Wednesday to Tuesday was a one time occurrence (but understand it's probably not). I pray that sooner rather than later Kiddo realizes being bad at school no longer equals going home and decides it's not worth the effort. But really, my very selfish side prays for YOU not kiddo but you, I pray you maintain your sanity (well what any ASD mom has left of it) for as long as my kiddo is Autistic (it's just a phase right?) because I need you to maintain this blog long enough to keep me sane (again using the term loosely here) through good the bad and the ugly. My kiddos on a different part of the spectrum but the same age (ish) as your Kiddo and I'm really struggling with what behaviors are Autism and which are just a pre-teen acting like an ass... I'm one that will punish a tantrum but not a meltdown and it's getting harder to figure out which is which. Bottom line? Keep fighting the good fight all your 'fry babies' both need and support you. Hugs and a side of fries,
Cat
I feel for you. We put the work in so their lives can go as smoothly as possibly (not always smoothly, but smoothly as possible) and the school system - people that are supposed to know what they are doing - comes along and unravels everything! I get this, believe me!
ReplyDeleteI just read unknown's comment and my heart just jumped out of my chest. I have been dealing with this for over a year now and we deal with the same crap from his school. After numerous visits with specialists and a ridiculous amount of testing complete, there is no medical reason for his throwing up. We had to put it in his behavior plan before they would stop calling us. His IEP is due soon and I'm hoping I can get him out of this awful school. Your story gives me hope that there is better out there. The kicker to all of this- I work for the school district as a special education teacher :(
ReplyDeleteI just want to say I love you and your honesty. I am just in the beginning of this autism train, and I don't know what it is like to have a tween with autism, but I do know what it's like to be hit by my child, to be upset with my child, to pack in hours of therapies (oddly enough, Wednesday is our busy day) and to wonder what in the world is going on in his mind but still having no clue because he stopped talking at 2 and hasn't said a word since. Because autism. And I too am growing weary of "have you tried...", because while it has only Been a year YES I HAVE TRIED. So thank you for being awesome and honest even on the suckiest of days. Because it helps - a lot. From one stranger autism mom to another, I'll keep thinking of you and your kiddo on wednesdays, and hope that one day in the not too distant future you'll say "remember wtf Wednesday's? What was that even about?" Peace. - mallory
ReplyDeleteOh, sweet mama fry...You always have the wisdom I'm needing to hear just in the nick of time when I'm pretty sure I'm about to snap. Thank you for being you. Keep trucking, gurrrrl!
ReplyDeleteI just get you, No other words sorry, but I do get you ! Hugs x
ReplyDeleteI I love every bit of your blog, but two points of this post struck home. I took a screenie and posted one on my Facebook wall, ("have you tried") but this one applies to me, not my kiddo. I've always said I am a broken Dolly, I wasn't born with the "get over it" ability. Each of them burn in their scars forever, no one gets it. I'm ostracized by many, and at 56 years old, I don't care about other people's opinions that scorn me when they've never walked in my moccasins. My only goal is to get through best I can so I can keep my kiddo enjoying life while teaching her to be the "best me" she can be, just as my Mom, (who may have also been on the spectrum just as kiddo and I are) taught me. Thank you for sharing this so I don't feel like the biggest failure miserable drag on the planet: "Because there is nothing this Kiddo loves to do more than when he's feeling sad, he makes sure to remember every sad time he's had. Every wrong ever done to him. Every time he's had a disappointment. A real walk down meltdown memory lane. We have to hear about stuff from years ago and help him get through it." Now I know it's a legitimate part of my own Autism challenge seeing that someone else has this too. I feel so relieved, thank you! I don't actually love to do this, I've busted tail researching, trying different therapy methods including self hypnosis, therapists and others are no help. I simply cannot help it and having folks in my face telling me to get over it is like being slapped.
ReplyDeleteAnd... It just dawned on me, (with a small chuckle), that the "have you tried" section applies here! Thank you again, you're all in my prayers as we all walk this road enlightening the world as we raise our kiddos!
DeleteI hear you and am on a similar journey. Mine had a bad day today - could be bc he's tired, just got over being sick, or just returned to school after the break or.... because autism. That's the simplest and most reasonable explanation. We are here for you - love and support from Long Island.
ReplyDeleteSimple solution - Tell him is he acts up he does not go to music therapy!!! And yes this will work as I have done it with my three sons with Autism.
ReplyDeleteAlso - Embrace Autism stop fighting Autism.
Aww, that's cute. You think I haven't tried that move yet. ;-) Didn't work either.
DeleteThen by all means continue on with your pity party!!! As long as you enable him, his behavior will continue to get worse, that is a fact. Why do you think your WTF Wednesday are now starting on Tuesday, you are allowing the behavior and still taking him to music therapy. So you are telling him that his behavior is acceptable. Set the rules & consequences and be consistent. It will be hard at first but he will learn that acting out means no music therapy.
DeleteHave a nice day.
DeleteBecause all kids with autism are EXACTLY the same, don't you know?
DeleteBWAHAHAHAHAHA!! No.
Have you tried? Lmfao Mama Fry you handled that so much nicer than I could have ��
ReplyDeleteWhat works for one may not for the next. I don't understand why some people think their way is the only way.
ReplyDeleteI really related to you when you were talking about this huge historical memory of sadness after sadness. We are still struggling with the memory of a teacher he had 3 years ago at a summer campus for 15 days. She wanted him to try salad at lunch. I proposed to go to a mountain waterfall, write her name on a rock and throw it into the water. Nope, he will not let go this memory.
ReplyDeleteHugs from Italy. Really, big hugs
I have also shed tears when someone has had words of kindness for me. Sometimes you hold on and hold on and think you've beaten your emotions, then someone breaks the dam by touching your heart.
ReplyDelete